Christmas Fever

Christmas was awesome for the kids, A.J. Got most of what he wanted especially seeing how his behavior shouldve put him on the naughty list, Kami even opened her many toys and really enjoyed her new ride on car. All was well. Except me; I was in good spirits ready to enjoy this day with family, fun, food and drinks but my nerves weren't.

The sick feeling started Christmas Eve and continued to after the day. Instead of joining my family enjoying Christmas dinner I was once again lying in bed wrapped in two blankets, shivering.

Mind over matter didnt work this time, instead of crying over my lossed loved ones now I just get sick to my stomach from missing them. Ill just say all I want to say before we gather and also after because joining in on a Christmas holiday with family is starting to seem impossible.

Anyway, if I didnt say it before Happy Holidays to you and yours

Muah

Darn Kami

Kids say and DO the darnest things, I'm saying this with my teeth clenched. So I had a bag of clean laundry sitting in the bedroom and Kami decided to start pulling the clothes out which happen to be mostly under clothes, and of course throw them everywhere and wear my panties on her head (clean) ok, so I kept taking them from her; putting them back in the bag and soon I went to take a shower.

When I came back of course she was on a new task, trying to bite the sandwich bag of rice crispie cereal to get it open. Whew!!
Anyway I'm ready to go now so after I feed her that, Thank Goodness I double check her baby bag because a pair of my panties were tucked in the side pocket.

Boy how would that look to the daycare providers???

You still have time

You still have time to place an order to be delivered before christmas.

Avon has some really cute things in this latest mag. Sexy cool christmas pajamas, of course skin so soft, the cute boot look houseshoes, a sexy jumpsuit for the christmas party we are possibly having (hint hint)

They also have some good smelling men's cologne, I'm thinking about that, (he doesn't need to know it came from avon ;) we also have a ton of deals and gifts under $10. So check it out, campaign 26.


Smooches

Excited

So this is the second time i've written to a local newspaper to become constant writer for their newspaper, I feel different about this one, now I just have to pray they email or call me back with good news. Ok gotta go pray

If I haven't said it lately
I love you

Venting

You know the devil works all day long, 24/7, 365 days a year!!!!

I have been in such a mellow, happy, content mood lately. I haven't really endured any negativity or bullshit lately, none that is relevant to remember. But today which is still my vacation day, my manager called bright and early to piss me off!!!!I swear I felt like Ice cube on the movie 'friday' I was about to let loose on her ass but all I could think about is 'how am i gonna get fired on my off day? So I mentally counted to calm down and I talked to her like the mentally challenged bitch she is. The calmer I talked to her the nastier she got, thats ok though, she get's no other time to come at me like that.

I treat adults like adults, therefore I speak to them that way. Thats why if she ever treats me again, i'm going to let her have it. NOBODY IS GONNA BULLY ME. NOBODY!!! Jobs can be hard to find nowadays but I'll be damned if I stay at one and be stressed by a psychotic manager!!!

My peace of mind is way more important than catering to another person at work, I do my job, I do it well, I forget somethings and i'm human therefore i'm excused; Life is not measured on your title at a job, when you are long gone, the people you work with fill your position within two weeks and mention you ocassionally and keep it moving. What really matters the most is your family and friends; the people who genuinely care about you. Not some bitch who's job i'm capable of doing anyway

Signed,
Venting but level

Happy Birthday To Me!!!

30 years ago God created an angel on earth. Me.

I have had a ball these last couple days, I partied, I drank, I danced, I laughed, I had fun. last night didn't go totally as planned but before my wastedness I enjoyed my night and I'm glad the night continued after I left.

I love everyone who came out to celebrate with me and those who called or facebooked me to say Happy Bday. Muah!!!

WishBone

I hope you gals didn't forget to make a wish with the turkey's wish bone. Keonia and I broke the bone together, she got the bigger end, that's ok, my wish was bigger. ;)


Happy Thanksgiving All!!!

Thanksgiving Morning

I am Thankful for so much, most of all my health.
But as much as I love my son and I am so very grateful for him. I will admit ; I am raising one unappreciative, ungrateful, unthankful little jerk.
He says he know the history of Thanksgiving therefore he should be more knowledgeable, he said he realizes there are homeless people and children who dont have anything to eat; he's unsympathetic.

Its as if I haven't taught him anything but oh well. I'll just keep trying but in the meantime; I'm gonna count to 30, take a deep breath and still thank God for this little asshole i'm raising.

Happy eating!!

Almost

So the big 3-0 is coming up and as we all know, i'm excited. I'm not hiding from it or gonna cry cause i'm in a new age bracket, i'm glad, i'm happy, I've made it to 30. It has got to be better than the 20's. I went thru so much silly, unnecessary, dumb things in the 20's I've got to be better at the new 3 0.

I plan to do things my way, I care less for certain things and certain people, but i'm more careful with people, I love me more, I'm just all about having fun with everything!!!

I don't have any particular plans at the moment other than wherever i'm at; thats where the party's at; starting wednesday night If you call me and wanna 'kick it' i'm down!!! I'm trying to party like a rockstar this vacation and bday weekend.

As long as i'm stocked with b-12 vitamins, I didn't say my body was ready for 30 just my mind.

Smooches
If I haven't shown it lately, I still love you :)

Empowerment for Woman

Ok we'll see if the slogan stands true. I'll see if I can accomplish all the things they say are obtainable with their company. Im excited to work hard and creatively at building my new future.
I am now your Avon sales representative. Now let's get the pretty parties cracking :)

New Venture

So I always talk about doing something different and I know it can only happen once I stop being lazy, I want to have more fun in my life, so I wouldn't mind working and having creative fun at the same time. So with that being said; I have a meeting today at noon with a particular leader and after this meeting I will have a new title; a new adventure to tackle but it will be fun and the ladies will love it also. Just in time for the holidays and you know we love to party so this is right up our alley.

Stay tuned. When I return later on today I will reveal my new title.

So excited!!!!

I recognize the devil

Lately the devil has been whispering to me, for me to fall into his trap. But I heard him and I recognized his voice and I didn't follow. A few days ago I was seriously harassed by the sheriff's dept. they now take over the policing in our neighborhood at night because of all the violence and instead of catching some bad guys they chose to harass a woman with children. I was very upset and thats not the end of that for me. But that has been the top of my lists of tests, I have had a few more, but I know it's God's way of testing me. So far so good

First Steps

Kami can walk!!!! She's been taking steps for a couple weeks now and everyday she gets a little better. So tonight I guess she was gonna show out for me and my mom. She continuously walked through the hallway then to keep up with me she followed me to the kitchen!!

It was really amazing to watch, this little chicken just hatched a year ago now she's growing so fast and walking around like a baby penguin.

Growing Wiser

In the current Essence magazine Nia Long said;

"You are not half the woman you're gonna be until you turn 30. You're not even half of that woman yet. So I think if we'd just take our time as women, and do what comes natural to us and for us, we would make fewer mistakes."

I totally agree because in my 20's I have made soo many mistakes, I can't imagine making these same mistakes over again. I feel in my 30's I will be such a better woman, a wiser woman, a more patient woman, I feel like i'll live life more natural. I am determined to show my age. I definately don't get sad with my 30th birthday coming up, i'm ready to give 30 the biggest welcome ever!!!!

It's Over

Yeah it's over, tonight is the first day of the rest of my life. I am done and over with nosense and none fucking factors. I have an image of my life in my mind and soul and if someone is not in that image than they serve no purpose in my reality. So long, adios, see you latta (not).


Learn when to take out the trash!!!!

Kamryn Amaria

We had a nice time yesterday celebrating Kami's 1st birthday. She was overwhelmed at times but she was very happy once we sang Happy Birthday to her. Once she heard the song and realized it was for her, she lit up like a christmas tree. It was truly a joy to be a part of. If that wasnt enough to make you teary eyed, we all sang it again. She loved it!! Priceless

Thanks to everyone xoxo

Rest

I remember when we were growing up it was certain events when you knew you would see certain cousins, uncles and aunts. Especially at holiday barbeques grandpa would have everybody over hanging out in the backyard. He would have his boom box going with a beer next to his chair as he swatted flies and manned the grill. Most of these events we would see aunt Geraldine and Byron. Its going to be very different seeing her and not him anymore.
We are told to believe we all have a time to be born and time to die, so as unbelievable as it is, I guess it was his time. I will miss cuz. Im sure he's alright though.

If I wasnt scared 2

If I wasn't scared I would wake up first thing tomorrow pack my suitcase. Pack my kids clothes. Kiss and hug my loved ones and move away. Im not exactly sure where im headed but it wouldnt be a city or a big town. I would move to a small town and start my story over again. If I wasn't scared of leaving my mom, if I wasn't scared of leaving Jadyn, if I could just shake my comfort zone off, I would be gone!!!! If I wasnt scared that id fail or what itll look like to others, if I wasnt scared of being alone. The things I would do....

I feel a change coming though, im not sure what it is, but I have a good feeling about my future.

~Fear of the unknown~

In my world

So lately in my world which is in my mind, because it spins rapidly on a constant. Ive had a lot going on, let me say I value my friendships very much, I love my few friends dearly, but there are some ways where I feel im not that good of a friend. A good friend of mine loss her father recently and I thought about her often, calling to check on her, texting her, praying for her and her family and even random I love you's.
But the difficult part comes with the funeral services. I just cannot do it. Of course no one likes to attend them but I get literally sick when the date comes. Sorry its just me, im me all day long and ill be the best person I can be, im willing to support my loved ones unconditionally, well almost.

As if thats not enough on my mind lately, ive been having these episodes where my heart races, I start to sweat, I get a real nervous feeling and I feel faint. Finally I saw the doctor, I have a list of tests to take I potentially have hypertension ( thanks mom). I told the doctor every since I turned 29 everything has went downhill, she laughed and said No when u have kids everything goes downhill. She was clearly talking about her boobs. Not mine. Anyway as resistant as I am I have to get fit, lose weight and eat better, so today is the first day. I vow to myself to exercise atleast 30 minutes a day and take better care of me :(

If I wasn't scared I'd...........

If you weren't scared what would you do?

Forgiveness

For the last couple of years life has really been kicking me in the ass. I'll have awesome things happen to me and I'll finally smile and laugh again then BOOM!!!! The devil takes charge yet again. This can't be what life is all about; confusion, frustration, sadness, a pinch of joy, grief, sorrow, with a dash of happiness. There has to be another way to deal with this life of up's and down's.
So today I just made a detour before starting work and I came across the latest People magazine and it caught my eye because with 9/11 coming up the children of fallen fathers were featured and I buy stuff like that to share with Amarian, to remind him there are other kids like him. So when I finally got a chance to read the magazine in the back was an article about a woman who's son was killed and how she has now forgiven him and even accepted him as her "son" (the guy who killed her only child). I went on her website a few minutes ago and it came to my mind, maybe life is so confusing and difficult for me because I have yet to forgive richard, the guy responsible for Eimens death?
Even writing his name makes me cringe, how can I possibly forgive him? I don't think about him i thought that was good enough. Maybe not, maybe God is waiting on me to free the hatred and power the name 'rich' has over my mind? Oh God this is truly going to be one of the hardest things ever for me to do.
Forgive the person who started the domino effect of sadness in my life, forgive the person who recklessly took my son's dad and bestfriend away for good, forgive the person who is responsible for me hitting rock bottom emotionall? This sounds so overwhelming. I guess I have to do it. I don't know how to start.

Happy Birthday Amarian

On this day 9 years ago God gave me the greatest gift ever!! I cried uncontrollably when Amarian was born, I loved him before I knew him. Today is his day and we celebrated with cake, ice cream and many friends and family. They threw water balloons on each other Amarian got soaked with a bucket of water poured over his head, by me: ) the kids today just enjoyed themselves and played til their little hearts were content. He enjoyed everyone.

He was sometimes a little distant and I later found out he was thinking about his uncle b-ride. I told him tonight his uncle and daddy are looking down smiling and i gave him a kiss and hug. He smiled and went back to playing with his new transformers toys. As much as I would love to tuck him away and shield him from pain and suffering in life the only way through it is to go through it. As the years go on I hope the emptiness he feels fades even if just a little. I'm sure it will.


If I haven't said it recently. I Love You

Still Ditzy

So I was sure when I had Kami my clumbsiness and ditziness would subside. Unfortunately it hasn't, if I'm not mistaking I honestly have to say its about the same. An example of my ditziness;

Because my car is still out I took a taxi to work the other day. So while walking to the cab I'm looking at my mama and whispering " am I suppose to ride in the front or back? While she is bursting out laughing I'm grabbing the handle to the front door and she shouted " get in the back fool" i felt like the biggest dork. But then again shit I haven't taken a taxi in like 15 years. I also had to warn my driver charles of that.

Anyway a clumbsy moment; so now since Kami is crawling I've put baby gates up, so we have to climb over. So I'm trying to multi task with baby on my hip and leftover things in the bedroom that didn't belong and I had a pop can in my hand when I went to step over the gate and lost my balance and slammed my body sideways into the wall crushing the can and of course making that crushing sound. Kami was still in my arms and Amarian was standing there watching this happen, he turned his head to laugh. I tried to play it off but my body hurt a little. You fall into a wall and see if u don't hurt.

The good thing about all this is I've learned to accept me; as a cute ditzy clumbsy girl and I ain't embarrassed.

( sticking my tongue out)

Pity Party

Why as women can we not just admit when we have had enough, feel weak, are vulnerable, overwhelmed and burned out? We try to be everything to everyone, we have to always be strong, we make the bacon and cook it too. As mothers we sometimes do the job of both parents, we do the best we can and when and if our children misbehave, guess who gets blamed? Mommy. Some of us if not all need to learn when to say I'm scared, i have a lot on my mind, i need help, I'm overwhelmed, or i just need a hug. We don't always have to he tough or brave. So maybe when someone in our circle feels this way hopefully they'll speak up and we can call an emergency meeting and all join the pity party. I'm game ; )

serenity

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference

Our Children

I am a down to earth person. If its one thing I'll debate about, its someone who would doubt that. I keep it real all thee above. So if you leave your child with me what you see is what they will get. If u see me playing wit them, fun but serious, or just chilling with them that is what u can expect if im left babysitting. There are many people that prefer boys over girls and vice versa. I admit, i would prefer to watch a bunch of wilds little boys than girls. Its just my preference. But i like kids they are little people who just wing it everyday. They are little sponges who pick up our good and bad habits. Our main job is to protect and nurture them. Let me say though because i prefer to babysit the boys over the girls does not mean I would treat the girls any less. The same way you say me interact with them is the same way i will be behind your back. I for damn sure wouldn't mistreat your child when you aren't looking. If the little bastard is getting on my nerves i will tell them to stop, if i need to spank him, i don't need to watch him. If your child talks back to me I will check him and then tell you. I don't like when people do kids wrong when no one else is around, then the child is left to look like a problem and no one believes him. I like to think of myself as a child advocate. If no one else believes them I do. Don't get me wrong if a child is in your care its your responsibility to protect and have control. But it is not okay to be mean to a child and or use your words as weapons. Atleast not to my child. I'm going to need you to treat my child like u would do your own. And a I hope you treat yours with respect. As a mother you know your child therefore you know fibs from truth. So i won't get it twisted when I start to use my words as weapons. Let the church say Amen

Happy Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day to all the dads and or fathers whichever you like to be called. We appreciate the dads that appreciate their kids, I know we have some guys who only half way do it, or some who don't at all. But today it's all about the Fathers who are taking parenting seriously. I hope I don't receive any texts telling me Happy Fathers Day, I am a mother. I don't know what it is to be a father and I never will. I appreciate My Day which is everyday and hopefully those who the title belongs, get much love today, so I want to personally say Happy Fathers Day to some:

To Granddad, thank you for being a stern guide and Loving force in my life
Grandpa, same thing your strict ways of teaching is appreciated now

To Duan'e a newbie, you have knocked it out the park. I'm sure being a new father was terrifying at first, but I see you take your fear head on. Good Job!

Jamal, you love your boys and the princess to death. You have grown so much and I love to hear you talk about them, you appreciate them and they appreciate you too. Good Job!

Phillip, I see Kaleb with you often (even if he was bouncing around in the front seat) you love mini me to death. Keep up the good work!

Cuzo Cervante you are an example of a good man also, you are a leader and very kind. Olivia is such a daddy's girl. Amarian looks up to you also. Job well done!

Demetrius you are a dad by choice. Good job for taking on a roll and living up to it. Good Job!

Aristeed is the face you would see if you could peek into Jadyn's heart. He has been such a great father to her. Unconditional love, promises kept, respect still remains, and force still strong. Much love brother in law.

Thats just to name a few. There are many more great fathers out there near and far. We appreciate you all, stay strong and loving.

Suckers!

got lunch?

When I don't bring my lunch to work I go to the cafeteria and spend $3.46 everytime. It was weird but that is my total each time. So yesterday I'm thinking ok i know what my total is gonna be so i took exact change. Well I'm starting to think God is having a little fun with me AT MY EXPENSE. I order a cheeseburger with fries and i put the mayo, ketchup and mustard on and drizzled the fries with ketchup, i was starving because its now 1 in the afternoon and my first time eating all day, oh and i grab a water. Trying to be somewhat healthy. Good nobody in line i can get outta here quick and max this food. I get to the register the lady rings up my food and my total comes to $ 4.95!!!!!!! My heart starts pumping fast, I'm like "just put the water back" ok she takes that off, one more person in line. Total still $4.07. I'm turning red now because if i have to take my fries off I'm gonna be embarrassed and pissed. So I'm like "just sit this here I'm gonna run to my locker". Then the lady says well how much u got? "$3.46" I'm thinking duh! She rolls her eyes at me. So as I'm about to run off to my locker the lady next to me asked " how much u need? Oh i am really embarassed now, so here i am at my work place in scrubs negotiating my lunch total, taking change from a nice stranger, probably a patient: ( feeling the bottom of my empty pockets, feeling stupid and starving and a line wrapped around the cafeteria. I got all the change the lady had said thank you and tried to get the hell outta there, then the cashier gives me the water for free. I jetted outta there dropping knives and forks I didn't care I just didn't have any pride left to pick them up. So needless to say I will be packing my lunch for atleast the next two weeks, i cannot show my face in there.

The Conversation

I've already read the conversation by Hill Harper once and now i'm reading it again. I love this book it makes so much sense. Harper says stay with a man for his potential and not necessarily his current status. If he has the potential to be the man you want give him a chance. ???? I also just finished a book by Natasha Munson Life lessons for my black girls, and she says stay with a man for his current status, for who he is now, not who could one day become. In a nut shell 'no time for waiting'

I agree with Hill.
What about you???

left out

It seems lately we all have so much going on that even those of us that were really close have lost touch with one another. I for one feel that way, i have so much on my mind everyday that I realize I havent talked to my good friends lately. I try to text them just to say hey and Im thinking about them I hope they appreciate it. On the other hand you have those people you try to keep close in your life and they just refuse to answer calls, respond to texts or dont even try to k.i.t with me so to this person. Deuces. Family or not. Oh and for the one who felt left out tonight. If u cant beat em join em. If u didnt get a special call or text today. Oopsy maybe its because the No. 1 tee tee is here. Haha. She still loves you though

Happy Birthday Keonia

Well it looks like you're catching up. I hope u feel wonderful today. Get out and do whatever u want because its your day. And for that feeling sad. Puleez each year we make we become a better person. Love you. Enjoy guy

GallBladder No More

Tonight is the last night with my body as a whole. I will part with my gallbladder tomorrow. Bye bye little trouble maker. My nerves are a little jittery but i'm fine. I have some pain but with a little morphine, im fine.The more I think about it the more I realize it's a simple procedure. In and out :) let's get some sleep......................maybe not my roommate's company just arrived it's 2am and I feel like a nosey neighbor listening to teenagers clown and play with their phones and laptops and giggle and reminise. And what sounded like the bed rocking. Is this a hospital or a hotel? This is soo rude. So instead of me getting up bitch slapping them, i went and got a nurse to have them booted out. If my company can't stay your's can't either. Me and my friend i have only a few hours with have to get some rest. If I haven't said it lately I Love You

Where is Sheena Bouquet????

I haven't heard from her is she ok?

How is she doing?

Have you heard from her?

What's going on with Sheena Bouquet?

If you hear from her tell her I haven't heard from her and miss her, If you talk to her tell her I said Hello and I'm just checking on her :)

Love you Cuz,

Back to the Hot Box

I am flying through this book. The Help, I had to slow down especially for those of you who still haven't gotten your books yet. Anyway I wanna take it back to the Hot Box.
When I see homeless people I always think of what their life was at one time, most of the time when I see homeless people they look like they are on drugs and it makes me upset. I feel like homeless people can still have some pride and dignity about themselves, I know not all homeless people are out asking for money or to wash your windshield. It isn't always obvious that some people are homeless; There are homeless people who stay in a shelter and clean themselves and their children very well. I admit have made assumptions before but I also realize anyone could find themselves in their shoes also. In the book the Hot Box, Milena met 'Randolph' on the streets homeless.

Do you make assumptions about homeless people when you see them, or do you realize that anyone could find themselves in that situation?

The Help

Hopefully you have gotten your book or are in the process of getting it because in a couple of weeks we will be relaxing with all of our favorite wines and discussing the book. The Help. And also The Hot box, which we've previously read. How could u forget the part with the s*** beads in the bed? Ugh! Anyway we also need a list for our next book picks, so keep that in mind. And for that one person who acts like its just soo hard to curl up on the couch at naptime, u now have a book reader on your phone. Make it happen. gotta go. If i havent said it or showed it lately. I Love You

What about your friends?

I am reading the current Essence magazine and its all about you and your besties. I was just sitting back thinking about the friends in my life. I have some good friends. Some of my besties are even family.I might not see them all the time but if I need them I know where to find them and they know where to find me.

But I think we need to kick it up a notch. With my new demanding life and everyone elses demanding life, we may talk on the phone every once in a while, but what happened to the days of coming over kicking it, going out to eat, going out for cocktails, riding in the car spying on our guys, shopping together, window shopping together, cooking together, friday night mixers, saturday night clubbing?

I miss the interaction with my girls. So let's get together. I understand we can't always get away from our children for long periods of time and some of us can't leave the man at home, he either calls the whole damn time you're gone, or if you're me, he'll just show up. So bring 'em too, as long as we're having fun the more the merrier. Sometimes :)

???

Stepping out on faith

As much as I want to lay in this bed with my face under the pillows, I can’t. I am deeply hurt by Brandon’s death, I don’t even believe it when it comes out of my mouth. I know its true but I don’t believe it. I know now part of growing up is losing people we care for either to natural causes or homicide, and accidents.  I fell so deep in depression after losing Eimen, my world was turned upside down, I was mentally gone. So this time i’m stepping out on faith. The day after Brandon’s death, Amarian was so sad it broke my heart in pieces, i literally wanted to just give up because there is nothing i can do about it, so i tried something different, I pulled out the bible. We read the Bible and understood what it said about evil doers and grief and suffering and we learned and understood it. And honestly it made us both feel better, so everytime I think i’m about to lose it, I either pull out my little Bible or I remember  what me and Amarian learned. To keep the faith.

Faith is the only thing that keeps me sane at this time in my life.   Faith is all I need.

 

If I haven’t said it lately

 

I love you

Brother

As I sit here in complete solace, the children are sleeping and all I can hear is their breathing and the clock ticking, I think about what is most important in life.

I also think about how I want to be remembered when I leave this earth. Of course the thought came from losing Brandon. I can honestly say Brandon was a great brother in law. We have really loss a good person, but I guess God had a better plan for us and him, so to save myself from crying a river right now, I will just say Brandon left this earth being remembered as one of the greatest men alive. He took care of everybody. I'm not talking financially, i'm talking about mentally, physically and spirtually. I could call him at any hour and he would answer my call and help me solve whatever dilema I was having, we would just call each other and chit chat about Amarian, Eimen, anything, thats how cool he was. I will miss him so much. He showed up to everything, he supported us, he was our backbone he was the man voice in our lives.

The last time he called me was last saturday and we were on the phone planning a birthday picnic for Eimen, and he was calling to get some ideas from me. Now we'll be planning this picnic for him and Eimen.

I know I will be alright in time. The news hit me so hard I fell to the floor and could not see myself getting back up, I could not see how I would make it another day with such bad news, but I know I have to be strong for my son, I have to be strong for his mother, I have to be strong for myself, so as much as it hurts and brings back sad memories from Eimen, I have to pick myself up each day, cry some, wip my tears and keep living. I can't give up, I have to trust myself and God enough to know I can get through this pain.

So what is most important in life? it's not the amount of success you've achieved, it's not the most money you have, the best car, the nicest house, none of that materialistic stuff.

What's most important in life is family.

I want to be remembered as loving my family and especially my children unconditionally, I want to be remembered as loving hard and genuinely. I want to be known as going the extra mile for them. I have to be remembered as taking care of my family and doing whatever is necessary to protect them. Family is all most of us need and family is not always same bloodline. Sometimes people come into our lives and it seems like they should have been part of the family so we make them a part. And thats ok to when all intentions are genuine and loyal. I actually wrote this without breaking down. ( I guess its the meds)

If I haven't said it lately, I love You

Me First

I just came back from Elements Therapeutic Massage Spa and I feel great. The massage therapist had some magic hands, my body had so many knots it felt like she was rubbing a bumpy road. We had to laugh. My back had a knot the size of a chihuahua's head. The massage went well but i feel good now a tiny bit embarrassed. I think the lady wanted to climb on my back and use her knees. My body was so tense. Im glad she didnt. Anyway incidents like this remind me that I need to take better care of myself. We do all these things for other people but leave ourselves last. Its not healthy and today im taking care of me. Hopefully you'll take care of you.

Jadyn

Don't you just love the statement "anything a man do, a woman can do better? or the one that goes " a woman can do a job as good as a man if not better?

Well for months now Jadyn Amerie has been trying to prove these statements true. See Jadyn is a girlie girl but she can also tussle with the fellas too.

So my point of this page is a protest for her, to convince her mother to ALLOW and SPONSOR her to join KARATE. She's so serious about it, she shows up to class with Amarian every week just to sit and watch. I feel so sorry for her if she was my daughter I would definately allow her to join in. I guess sensei felt the same way as me because today he told her to stand up and join the class. She's still psyched.

All that want Jadyn to join karate, holla if u hear me!!!!!!
(she's waiting and watching for responses)

My Rock

The worse thing about losing someone is losing someone you love and who was also 'My Rock' I felt like I was progressing and i'm sure I still am, but lately it has really hit me that I have no rock. I have no back up. I have no protection. I don't have Eimen. I've always had him, since I was 17 years old he has been in my life, faithfully, we grew up together, we became adults together, we became parents together, we became who we are today, together. I know no one else, I know no other way.

Its been almost two years! I can't believe it and I honestly have not grown, I am faking. I don't know what the hell is going on in my life, I am just living day to day. I have no goals, I have no interest in making any either. I don't know how to. I've always had him to call and discuss a new idea a new goal or anything and he would tell me straight out what he thought about it. He always supported me, we had such a bittersweet relationship, we were (non incest) like sister and brother, we fought (not physically) like cat and dog all the time, but we made sure each other was alright before the end of the night.

I miss him dearly, I miss him soo much, I'm back tracking. I was sure starting over with Juan would ease the pain some and make life a little easier and I would be just fine. But it hasn't happened. Juan is not my rock, he is not my protector, my back bone, I can't close my eyes and fall back and expect him to catch me, he is just a pebble and I need a rock.

I am my own lousy rock.

Corned Beef and Cabbage Day

In honor of Grandpa’s Birthday tomorrow we are cooking his favorite food. Corned beef and cabbage. I can remember him coming in sometimes with just one bag from the grocery store it had a head of cabbage and a package of corned beef. He’d come in smiling and i’ll be looking at him with a slight grin, then he’ll say ‘ ah can you cook this for me?  And of course i did.

Grandpa’s last three years were the best. He found a higher power to believe in and it changed him as a man. A better man. We liked this new man, he was nice, gentle, compassionate, kind, and funny. A different Grandpa from that overly strict military man he once was.

Grandpa would eat cb&c at least once every week, it started to get annoying but hell it was nothing to just throw it in a pot and get it started for him, so we did.  And in honor of you grandpa aka the black Irishman as we have for the last 5 years on your day March 6 we will be cooking corned beef and cabbage.

 

Much Love,

XOXOXO

What is your definition of Love?

Fish anyone??

As everyone knows I had a fish dream the other night. If you didn't hear me say it i'll explain it now, in the dream I was riding a carousel or something like it and I was just going round and round and there was a pond and it had the prettiest fish in it, bright blue and orange fish going round the pond in a circle. There were other animals near too like ducks also. When I woke up I gasped for air I cannot believe this shit. I'm not too worried that its me. I hope whoever it is is happy. I thought I was done with the fish dreaming stuff for a while until....

My grandma told me today she dreamt of fish night before last. OMG!!!! when an elder has a fish dream its for sure someone in the fam is preggo. I know its not me so i'm not too worried. I get off the phone with her I walk through the house to the kitchen and as I walk past the t.v. whats on? Animal planet about frickin 'FISH' I flew in the kitchen and even shook my head a little. So when ma came home I was sitting on her bed talking to her and we all into a convo and kami cooing and I turn and look at the t.v. (tears now)

A damn commercial about ordering some pet fish. I just screamed "If I see another Damn fish!!!

Its not that i'm unsure about myself it's just the ladies last night thought it was funny to pick me since My Kami is so advanced, hey look at her mama of course she's smart, but noooooo they think she's just moving out the way to be a big sister. So once I left the party last night, drunk and all I went to walgreens and got a preggo test and for those hens I picture messaged them NEGATIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So now I can really lay back with my hands clasped behind my head with my feet crossed and wait to see who's bringing the new addition in this time.

I just thank the heavens above ITS NOT ME. LMAO

Better Day

Today will be a better day. I'm claiming it!!!

Yesterday was just terrible. Of course I have to vent. Woke up with a slight headache, baby woke up a few times during the night wheezing from this cold she has, I get ready for work, I have ten bags to carry out along with the car seat and have to fish for the car keys while walking in the middle of the street like a hobo because the sidewalk is icy. Get to my car................ one of Maywood's finest keeps messing with me and gave me a ticket for the second night in a row. So now my headache is stronger and i'm slightly pissed. Look at the clock I have like 20 minutes before I have to clock in.

Shit It ain't happening, so I call to tell the boss i'll be 30 minutes late. Fine. Go to target to ease my mind, buy a couple cd's (yeah I know I should've been halling ass to make it to work, but I needed to feel better) I bought Kandi Koated by Kandi from escape and she has this song on there called 'haven't loved right since you've been gone' and oh my God I cried the whole way driving to I don't know, cause I knew I wouldn't make it to work.

Anyway called the other half so now he's gonna come and save the day. I get home take all ten bags back inside, look back at my car and one of my gotdamn hub caps is missing so i've been riding around with an ugly car all morning, my headache got stronger. I didn't do much after I came back inside the house, I had to just chill the rest of the day because it felt like the devil was out to get me or something.

I was for sure the day was better that late evening so we all went to Buffalo wild wings to celebrate Toya's birthday. Until I had to go to the ladies room, I go in the stall and it looked like there was no toilet tissue so i'm bent down looking and pulling the tissue out and the whole damn thing clunks me in the head. GotDamn!

Today will be better it has to be

It'll be ok

As I was thinking, lately it seems people in my circle have had it really bad lately and have had to make some very difficult decisions. All I can say is life is full of tests, we make decisions based on our present situations, we make decisions that others might not make and maybe decisions they would make if they were in our shoes. Don't give up. I heard somebody very close to me yesterday say she is contiplating committing suicide. My heart dropped, It dropped because I can't imagine life without her and it also hurt so bad because I can't do anything to ease her pain. I hopefully convinced her it wasn't worth it, tomorrow is always a new day with new opportunities. Killing yourself is not worth it. I felt that way many times, but after I cried it out and the sun comes back up to allow a new day, everything feels slightly better. I just want to remind you all that life is hard but its manageable, don't give up. If you have to get counseling, scream, burn things, or take a prescribed medicine, DO IT!

Remember we make decisions based on our own lives not someone elses

Not Enough

I think it takes a strong woman to tell a man he is not enough for her. It can seem like a selfish statement, until you think about it. I think it takes a passive pushover woman to stay with a man that she knows is not enough for her. If he can't take the trash out when it starts to fill up without her asking, he is not enough. If the baby is wet and she's doing the dishes and you call her to change the baby, baby you're not enough for me. If her car is buried underneath 5 feet of snow and she's outside digging her own car out, fool you definately ain't enough. I know being in a relationship is not all about what the other person can do for you, but as your woman I feel I should be one of your top priorities if not thee top one. Being in love is when the well being of another is as important to you as your own.


As women we all want the same thing; Love, Respect and Attention. Of course their are other things but those are the main ones. If that man is not enough for us, throw his ass back in the water and keep fishing. Do it early, be real with yourself and him before too much time and energy is wasted. We want a man we can love and one that loves us back. We want a man to run to when the world is chasing us and a shoulder to cry on when we've had bad day, a partner to share life with, someone to have kids with, watch them grow, and laugh at.

And contray to popular belief before you get in too deep you can already tell if he's what you want. I for damn sure don't want to spend my life alone, lonely or miserable. And I won't. I will be in a happy loving relationship one where the love will show bright and without question. I'll sick around this lake for a little while longer to see how fast my fish will mature, but i'm telling you baby, it's always fishing season.

New Leaf

Today was my official day back in the routine of normal like, reality has come back and in full effect. I went to bed late after 1am watching the Housewives of Atlanta, then kami woke up at 5 to eat, then i had to get up at 6:45a, and had to be to orientation at 8. I made it!!! and on time. I'm so proud of myself I never make it on time anywhere.

Of course I couldn't keep my eyes open listening to this guy talk about....shit I forgot now, I didn't even know what he was talking about then. I had to drink me some coffee to keep my eyelids open. Our chairs were so close I had no room to stretch or nothing and to make matters more awkward my stomach was growling like a wild lion in the jungle, I was so embarrassed, I kept moving and sighing. I know the girls next to me heard my belly. I couldn't wait til lunch. Anyway I made it and i'm ready for reality again, bye bye vacation.

The surprise party was great. Once again I enjoyed myself and I think everyone else did too. The people that were there last night have not been together like that in a long time, it really felt like we were little kids again, and I say little kids because to all of the mamas that were there last night and even the daddy we are all still kids just older with our own kids now.

Throwing a surprise party is very challenging, but with a little lieing and sneaking around we got the job done. Everyone was satisfied, the food was great, the liquor went from mild to high core, i stuck with the mild liquor. A little verdi and a sip of hennessey. Somebody had to be sober. My cousin was pimping my sister, giving everyone lap dances, my other cuz was also a male dancer and everyone else including me were the audience egging them on. All good fun. And *Angelina* and *Brad* actually came and showed their faces. Well gotta go

Smooches

Surprise!!!!

So in a couple of hours we will be surprising my Mom, Brenda, Dwayne and Ann with a birthday party. I can't wait this is gonna be so fun. They don't suspect anything. Ok we'll see how this goes ttyl

Not Anymore

The thing i've come to turns with is i'm a pushover. I'm sure I was kind of one since the day Amarian was born, and I especially became one the day his father passed away. Thats been almost two years now and its getting out of control. Ok yeah so I might be the last one to notice it when my son sarcastically talks back in intelligent turns negotiating a whacking, and yeah i might be the last one to realize I put him on punishment and now he's still playing the game and i'm ok with it, and i also might be the last one to realize he just plays me, Period.

I'm not crazy I notice these things, I tell him all the time "you can't out slick a can of oil" "I'm smarter than you" and I really am. For all who have told me repeatedly i'm letting him get away with too much, I NOTICE. Actually i've been noticed but with his father passing I wasn't sure how to discipline him, if I should, and just why should I? he's a growing boy going through kid changes.

Thats all changed now, i'm fed up. I've had enough of the stomping off, slamming doors, huffing and puffing, negotiating, the not listening all thee above. I'm putting my foot down and i'm discipling him, and if that means punishment, grounding whatever you wanna call it, spanking, shouting WHATEVER i'm regaining my control today. I am not raising a menace.

Another thing about me is i'm not really the whooping type of mama. I will scream and yell for hours, 'stop doing that' sit down' be quiet' 'thats the last time i'm saying it' ok you're at strike 2 1/2 already' Its like a broken record all day long. He really is a good kid, he makes good grades and he is very respectful most of the time. I love that boy. But screw all that he's suppose to do that. It will be my goal this year to tell Amarian once to do something and he does it with no problems. I will achieve this. Just watch. Oh and if you notice i'm still on the old bandwagon of pushover, don't worry it'll take some time, i'll get there.

Boot

I'm thinking and really knowing that me getting a boot on my car is a test from God. I think he's trying to see if i've learned how to have faith in him. I have. At first I got so mad at the dick that put the boot on my car, I wanted to ram the boot up his *** and dump his body in lake michigan. Well I still do want to, but I'm learning that keeping faith and not getting depressed, things will turn out just fine. Its ok to get angry but its not okay to stay angry. I'm getting that ugly boot off today and i'm happy.

Tata for now :)

The little people

I just have to express my love for the little people in my life. I will start with my niece Jadyn; this girl honestly thinks I am her girl friend, she mimicks me so much I have to edit my actions and the words I use (i try) i love that little girl she is beautiful both inside and out. My other niece Kiya is so grown now I honestly don't know how to talk to her play with her etc.it'll get simplier with time. I love her to death she is my first niece, she's smart and truly a cutie. My jojo.look out baby! She started off liking me then she didnt, now she's so sweet on me baby i'm rotten. Cute as a button. Cry enough to fill an ocean. My kami. We all know she's my angel NOW; i hold that baby all day I could just eat her up. Save the best for last; Mr. Amarian. My homie. My friend. My little brother from another lifetime. My light when its dark (literally) My heart. I love them all and I just felt the need to express it tonight. Plus I just had some sweet red wine. Ok tootles

Oh Stella

Ok i'm late with this, Stella went on her date the other day. He picked her up; He held doors, pulled out the chair like a gentlemen and their conversation was great. They went to a really romantic restaurant; they had a ball. After dinner they planned on going bowling and also meet up with some friends. The date was going nicely. WITH!!!!! A slight curve ball: they get back in his car and he turns on the radio, and you would think he would be playing some r&b or maybe even hip hop. Nope, He turned on some straight up rap, thats not the bad part, the bad part were the lyrics, wanna hear it? here it goes.

"I ONLY WANT HIM FOR HIS DINGA LING, DINGA LING" dinga ling? Seriously? on a first date? who does that?

Stella is still young but she was a little uneasy with this song, he was jamming to. Oh and he also had to make a stop before heading to the bowling alley. almost 40 minutes away. They pull up in front of a house in no mans land, they get out, all along he was taking her to sit in a bedroom with some unknown guys to listen to him rap on the mic. HUH? YES

Stella was so nervous and bummed out she clutched her purse a little tighter and got the hell outta there. A fake call to a mommy saying the baby is crying always does the trick :)

Stella's on her date

Yeah I have a GPS on stella; she's currently on her date, hopefully it goes well. I really want to go to a wedding this year. lol

Maybe our friend *Angelina* will get married this year, I mean her and K been together long enough. lmao

growing up

Life can be so exhausting. I am beat but i have to force myself to go to sleep. Ive been thinking lately how I handle altercations and how I used to. I used to raise the roof when I got mad i used to go into a kind of rage. But now maybe because im more mature I try to keep the peace and talk it out first. I must admit I sometimes miss that firecracker that was in me. I loved the intimidation :) living and learning.

Stella got a date!!!!!

And she better not be late, so stella snagged her a date for tomorrow night. And he actually is a foreigner. lmao!!! and super cute. Now she stressing over what to wear and where to go. Where should she go for a first date? I was thinking a nice restaurant and back to his place. Syke just kidding!!!! Any ideas? time is ticking

Swinging

A friend of mine got a call the other day from a ex-boyfriend, they talk periodically so it wasn't like a total surprise he called. Anyway he called this time to say hey how you doing and would you like to go to a swingers club? Her mouth hit the ground, she couldn't believe this mofo had the nerve to ask her that, they haven't been a couple in years and the last she heard he was involved and so is she, and what makes him think he can just call her up and ask a question like that, what do men be thinking? why would he think it is ok to ask her to go to a swingers club with him? I mean he hasnt been inimate with her in years. All i can say is men.....

Stella need to get her groove back

So I have come in contact with a few stella's lately, but one in particular really needs to get her groove back. (No names) girl you know who you are. Its time for you to get out and live a little, we are approaching 30 and who wants to spend their life alone? Get out and meet some MEN!!! Leave the past in the past, drop that zero out of your mind, focus on something new; and for those of us who have a man already it's time for us to revamp ourselves, cut our hair, color it, do something different. I'm thinking about matchmaking. Yeah i'm thinking about finding some nice guys for *stella* and setting her up on dates, whats the worse that could happen? Bad breath, yellow teeth, NO teeth? she could just politely get up and leave.


Any ideas?

Still Sensitive

I just had to say this, I love that pampers 'silent night' commercial. I may be corny but that is a lovely commercial and I sing it to Kami while she's sleep and she actually smiles. Amarian would probably wake up and laugh at me if i sang it to him. lol

FML

I have waited all day long for 9pm to arrive, so I can watch Housewives of Atlanta, I made sure the kids were quiet and they are actually sleep (wow) I got my bed and pillow all comfy got my blanket and ready to watch the drama unfold. To turn to the channel and what happens?


ONE MOMENT PLEASE, THIS CHANNEL SHOULD BE AVAILABLE SHORTLY!!!! SHORTLY? I NEED THIS CHANNEL TO WORK NOW!!! SHORTLY HAS NOW BEEN 35 MINUTES, I CALLED COMCAST AND NOTHING WORKED, I HAVE TO WAIT TIL WEDNESDAY TO WATCH A SHOW I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY FOR.
FML. NOW WHAT DO I WATCH? MAYBE THE OWN CHANNEL A STORY ABOUT JAYZ. BLAH!!

Happy Birthday Kim!!!

I'M SCREAMING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY FRIEND KIM, SHE IS ? YEARS OLD TODAY. LOL
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND MANY MANY MORE.

LOVE YOU

New Season

So recently I experienced unloyalty at its best. Betrayal, dishonesty, and just plain ol' phonyness (yeah i made that up), it still amazes me how people can be friends and just one day turn on you, someone I thought was a true friend who has been there for me through a lot of different angles in my life has joined the phony band wagon, it bothered me for a quick second then I got over it. I came in this world alone so why would I be attached to some ungenuine scank??

I'm turning over a new leaf i'm not holding back, for some reason I don't move as fast as I used to but i'm swifter. I quit my job( it wasn't part of my new leaf) I dumped a *friend* (screw her), I ignore unncecessary drama, I don't react to things that don't effect my life. And as the days go on i'll have more changes. I'm ready for anything that comes my way now. Let's go