In my world

So lately in my world which is in my mind, because it spins rapidly on a constant. Ive had a lot going on, let me say I value my friendships very much, I love my few friends dearly, but there are some ways where I feel im not that good of a friend. A good friend of mine loss her father recently and I thought about her often, calling to check on her, texting her, praying for her and her family and even random I love you's.
But the difficult part comes with the funeral services. I just cannot do it. Of course no one likes to attend them but I get literally sick when the date comes. Sorry its just me, im me all day long and ill be the best person I can be, im willing to support my loved ones unconditionally, well almost.

As if thats not enough on my mind lately, ive been having these episodes where my heart races, I start to sweat, I get a real nervous feeling and I feel faint. Finally I saw the doctor, I have a list of tests to take I potentially have hypertension ( thanks mom). I told the doctor every since I turned 29 everything has went downhill, she laughed and said No when u have kids everything goes downhill. She was clearly talking about her boobs. Not mine. Anyway as resistant as I am I have to get fit, lose weight and eat better, so today is the first day. I vow to myself to exercise atleast 30 minutes a day and take better care of me :(

If I wasn't scared I'd...........

If you weren't scared what would you do?

Forgiveness

For the last couple of years life has really been kicking me in the ass. I'll have awesome things happen to me and I'll finally smile and laugh again then BOOM!!!! The devil takes charge yet again. This can't be what life is all about; confusion, frustration, sadness, a pinch of joy, grief, sorrow, with a dash of happiness. There has to be another way to deal with this life of up's and down's.
So today I just made a detour before starting work and I came across the latest People magazine and it caught my eye because with 9/11 coming up the children of fallen fathers were featured and I buy stuff like that to share with Amarian, to remind him there are other kids like him. So when I finally got a chance to read the magazine in the back was an article about a woman who's son was killed and how she has now forgiven him and even accepted him as her "son" (the guy who killed her only child). I went on her website a few minutes ago and it came to my mind, maybe life is so confusing and difficult for me because I have yet to forgive richard, the guy responsible for Eimens death?
Even writing his name makes me cringe, how can I possibly forgive him? I don't think about him i thought that was good enough. Maybe not, maybe God is waiting on me to free the hatred and power the name 'rich' has over my mind? Oh God this is truly going to be one of the hardest things ever for me to do.
Forgive the person who started the domino effect of sadness in my life, forgive the person who recklessly took my son's dad and bestfriend away for good, forgive the person who is responsible for me hitting rock bottom emotionall? This sounds so overwhelming. I guess I have to do it. I don't know how to start.