The worse thing about losing someone is losing someone you love and who was also 'My Rock' I felt like I was progressing and i'm sure I still am, but lately it has really hit me that I have no rock. I have no back up. I have no protection. I don't have Eimen. I've always had him, since I was 17 years old he has been in my life, faithfully, we grew up together, we became adults together, we became parents together, we became who we are today, together. I know no one else, I know no other way.
Its been almost two years! I can't believe it and I honestly have not grown, I am faking. I don't know what the hell is going on in my life, I am just living day to day. I have no goals, I have no interest in making any either. I don't know how to. I've always had him to call and discuss a new idea a new goal or anything and he would tell me straight out what he thought about it. He always supported me, we had such a bittersweet relationship, we were (non incest) like sister and brother, we fought (not physically) like cat and dog all the time, but we made sure each other was alright before the end of the night.
I miss him dearly, I miss him soo much, I'm back tracking. I was sure starting over with Juan would ease the pain some and make life a little easier and I would be just fine. But it hasn't happened. Juan is not my rock, he is not my protector, my back bone, I can't close my eyes and fall back and expect him to catch me, he is just a pebble and I need a rock.
I am my own lousy rock.
I am my own rock and that is ok, even if it is a lousy one. I do believe you will get stronger in time. But no matter who you end up with I think certain parts of that relationship may never be filled by another human being. So personally I believe those are the places God wants to see us grow and it will come in his time. I have not found anything close to the love I lost but I do have faith that God did not put this pain in my life to never replace it with joy. And remember that you do have a support system around you when you feel like you have no one. It may never be the same but it is support.
ReplyDeleteThanks Tajuana, xoxo
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