At this moment

I must admit at this moment I feel so blessed and excited. I really feel like life is beginning to make sense. I was a little down the other day until my aunt quoted a religious script to me it basically said: God doesnt take anything from you without giving you something. And as I thought about that I felt better because out of all our hardships sooner or later we will laugh and smile again its a guarantee. God took Eimen from us but then he provided us with an unborn angel to bring us all joy and smiles even his family. I pray things only get better from here. Anyone else experience something taken away but something given in return?

I know now

I woke up this morning knowing i would find out the gender of the little feet and hands that are kicking and punching me, if the idea of having another child came to my mind i would always think id rather have another boy because i got this i have experience but when i looked at that screen and i saw those two legs and nothing to reassure me it was male i mentally went blank. God is really trying to force me to accept change. What in the world am i going to do with a baby girl like me?

Boy or Girl???

Im soooo nervous because later on today we will find out if im having a girl or boy. At first I was so stern on hoping it was a boy. ( i wanted to stick with what i know) But as weeks went on I realized having a little girl just might work out too. Because I love my son so much having a girl is like the best of both sides. Either way im ok with it. ( at this moment) What i do know is it better just be one.

Pregnancy Fit!!!!

So far I haven't had a bitch fit or pregnancy fit until...... Well I almost did today. So yesterday on my way home from work I was hungry and I stopped at McDonalds to get a salad and what do I see on the menu???? A reese's McFlurry. Man I couldn't wait to dig in that ice cream, as always I took like 3 spoonfuls and I was done with it, I just had to taste it. But I knew I wasn't sharing with anybody though, I do not share. Sorry!!! Anyway I put it in my grandma's freezer and I planned on taking another few spoonfuls the next day and maybe the next, it's gross to some people but thats just how I like to do things, always has been. Anyway, I go there after work today and I sent Amarian in to get it out of the freezer and what does he say???????????

ITS NOT THERE!!!!!!!!!

My mother's brother had the nerve to calmly say he ate it. I had to have him repeat it, and he did, he ate it. I stood there and tried to catch my composure, he was planting flowers for my grandma and It took everything out of me not to kick his ass face first in one of those flower pots. How the hell do you eat something that does not belong to you???? I should have put some ex lax in it and maybe his stupid ass wouldnt have been so casual telling a pregnant me he ate my ice cream. You know I live for revenge. Anyway my sweet aunt says "I probably would have eaten it too, what kind was it, a vanilla cone"? I said no and to keep the peace I totally ignored everything around me for the next 3 minutes. I'm still not sure why she thought to join the band wagon, but anyway I got in my car and I went to McDonalds and got me another Reeses McFlurry. I did good, because I forethought how the scene on the patio could've went had I reacted; I mean I pictured people crying, kids nervous, neighbors looking, police cars everywhere, me in handcuffs, my uncle in handcuffs, my grandma looking confused, me crying because all I wanted was my ice cream to stay where I put it, I mean it could've gotten ugly out there.But I walked away and I'm proud of myself for doing so.

Needless to say, I took 3 spoonfuls out of my new ice cream and its now in my freezer waiting for me tomorrow to get 3 more, i'm sure it'll be safe in my own home, but if this happens again i'm not so sure I can be this calm the next time.

A 3am Noise

so im laying on the couch and i hear a noise. Who do i call? It sounds to small to be a robber and I clean too thoroughly for it to be a mouse. But i hear this noise and im about ready to grab my little one and dash outside to my car. Who do i call? Then again this is an old house with creepy sounds. But oh boy what if its not my imagination? I might need those guys from the 80's with all the gear on. Oh boy! Now im hungry I want a taco.

Bleeding Heart

Why do people come into our lives to leave? What is the lesson we're suppose to learn from the memory of a loved one? How can I think of any memories especially good when my heart is bleeding and painful? I have been holding it back all day long, but I just wanted to burst out and scream, Why? Why? does it matter when I look at the calendar and notice the date it makes me sad and my mind wonders back to the date a year ago when the last thing Eimen said to Amarian was "tell your mama I love her?" I for the life of me cannot see the lesson or reason why God would take away a child's parent so suddenly. I have not been to church in about a year because I thought I knew God and could understand the things he makes happen, but I don't so I don't go. My heart is hurting and my soul is still raw, it doesn't matter how many steps I move forward or what I change in my life, I cannot shake this feeling. I lost the one person in the world who truly understands me, my protector, my shield I knew if he was around nothing would hurt me, I felt so protected by him, and every since he's been gone I feel naked and unshielded, no one has made me feel that way since and I doubt if anyone ever could. I know i'll be fine as the dates go on until this time again next year but for now I feel like the year is 2009 and I'm re-living my worst days.