Wishing You A Better New Year

And me. I hope and pray 2010 brings me a better year, I wasn't sure I was going survive this year.(Literally) This has been honestly the hardest time of my life, I don't ever want to feel this kind of pain 2009 has touched me with ever again. I know we are going to have trials, errors, tribulations, turbulence and thunderstorms in our lives, I guess a part of growing up is learning to adapt and accept these changes and grow from them. I'm working on that. I also know out of all the bad and sad things that has happened in this past year, good things have also happened and will continue,(Welcome Girl Jordyn :)I have to take the good with the bad and keep it moving. With prayer and good support from friends and family, I made it!!!! and you will too.

I've made a few New Year's resolutions, like lose a few inches, eat only chicken, work out more, get more sleep, get a man (soon) get married (soon) have babies (sooner) study buddhism, and all kind of other stuff, but I think i'm gonna just let my life flow. why not? i'm one of those free spirit people anyway. I might stick to the 'get a man' one though. Somethings are just stupid to live without.

Eat Pray and Love more. Aha!!! thats it. That's my New Years resolution. Keeping it simple and that wasn't even planned.

Happy New Year All!!!

Still not embarrassed

So this weekend after we left a friends house it was snowing like crazy and my son and one of the guys from the gathering were brushing the snow off my car windows ( so sweet) So we let the car warm up and we were all buckled in and ready to go. "Bye nice guy from the party" and i'm backing up and driving off, I get this bright idea to do donuts in the snowy parking lot. My bright cousin is like "yeah, yeah go for it" So here I am almost in a complete circle in the complex of our friends apartment playing in the snow in a car full of people and kids and not to mention Myself. BOOM!!!!!! I hit one of those parking horses, it was covered in snow so I didn't see it, the entire car was rumbling over this cement parking thing, it felt like we were on a roller coaster, I was more shocked than embarrassed. It was so loud i'm sure the neighbors were looking out of their window, I just wanted to get out of there before the cops came. I'm still not embarrassed even though the guy from the party was still brushing the snow off his car, he saw it all. It was funny as hell afterwards though.

Who really gets the last laugh

One of our girls from our group had a winter BBQ over the weekend and I think we all enjoyed it, it was nice to take a road trip (lol) and mess up someone else's home. Lol!! Not to mention the food was also good. Well I guess some other people wanna get in on my pranks, I can't believe people would play around with your food. So if nobody knows nothing about me, u have to know this one thing. I DO NOT EAT TURKEY!!!!! Every since I was a little girl it's something about that gobble gobble that hangs off his neck that makes me think. UGHHH!!!!So assumming she cooked her greens with turkey I picked every piece of meat visable out, the spaghetti..... for some reason I got like a teaspoon. I wasn't too sure and I didn't wanna be one of those people who come by and have to know how you cooked everything so i didn't pry. Well I gues I should have; before we left, that same little sister i've had for 26 years informed me the meat in the spaghetti was indeed....... TURKEY!!!!!! that Bitch. I swear this revenge will never go away if they keep this up.

Great Movie

So My big sis suggested we watch a movie named "the other man" I just finished watching it and i have to say it was good. I don't wanna give it away if you havent seen it, but oh well. Lisa is happily married to her husband they have a good time together, they have a daughter together, a house, careers, just a normal happy life, they really love each other. On the other hand, her career allows her to travel to nice places like Paris and London, she met Ralph and for 12 years her and Ralph are deeply in love, they laugh, have fun, play together and travel together, they even have usual spots, like their usual hotel in London, the Lake. She has a double life and she love both men, neither one has any idea there is anybody else besides them, her normal life is in new york and Ralph is alright with that its like a long distant love relationship. But she dies and her husband finds out about this double life after he goes through many many changes, he realizes she loved them both and he accepts it. She never disrespected either one, she never even felt like she was doing anything wrong, it didn't even look like she was doing anything wrong to me. She was just lucky enough to have two loves in one lifetime at the same time,gave her all, enjoyed it and it worked!

I know this type of stuff happens in real life, but we always hear the negative side of it like she was busted and the husband divorced her and the mystery man left her, or some other negative scenario. It just makes me wonder could normal everyday woman live like this and it turns out all right, its kinda like the polygamist men with 12 wives in one house, but in this case they don't know about one another. I envy her in this movie. What do you think?????

Bye Bye Christmas!!!!!

So I believe all things happen for a reason, as you all know I was very nervous about the upcoming holiday and how I would feel. But I think as the day came I was fine, it was really like any other day, just busier. Maybe not.... by the evening of Christmas Eve, I was coming down with the stomach flu, I have never been sick on a holiday especially one of my favorite. I know a Higher Power did that, I had been so into not feeling a certain way, that I got sick and was forced to focus on my illness. It sucked laying in the bed listening to my family and friends enjoy themselves, laughing and having a good time and all i could do was constantly pray to my sister's porcelain god. Anyway,whether it was Jesus Christ or the bald head, chubby guy i believe in sometimes; that did it, it worked!!!! and I am soooooo glad christmas is over. Hopefully next year will be easier.

Constructive Criticism?????

So have you ever had someone tell you something about yourself and you thought you were all good???? so i did, I have a new fresh hair do' its a nice shiny brown, straight, with a little bangs, It makes me look younger ( so I think) and I actually hated it at first then i kept playing around with it and I liked it. So here I am walking around all week thinking i'm cute and last night a family member of mine. Wait let's just keep it real, my little sister said to me "can I tell you something"?, BEFORE I could say "yeah,sure"? she blurted out "your hair looks ugly and I hate it" my mouth dropped, but I was cool with it, I can take constructive criticism. I guess...

So I guess I should've asked her why the hell did she let me walk around all week like this?? that should've been my next question, but I was cool with it. Thanks Sis. But me being me of course I had to get her back, when she was ready to leave she needed a hat to wear to keep her head warm, and she has such a lovely head of hair, so i had an extra hat, especially for days like this.

I so nicely gave her my old gray hat that our dog Boo pee peed on a few weeks back.

Merry Christmas All!!!!

A little nervous

ok so the holidays are coming and moving really fast, i literally have butterflies in my stomach from anxiety. This will bring sooo many memories about Eimen and im scared i wont be able to hold it together especially for A.J. I need help with maybe a ritual we can start in his memory something thats not too sad. I dont think christmas will be to bad. Im thinking New Years will be the worse. We brought the year 2009 in together. BUT i am being optimistic and positive. Is it alright if New Year's Eve im laying on my couch??

The way we think

So i was having a convo with a guy friend of mine and we got on the subject of men and women being platonic friends. He said he likes his singlehood a little more than a committed relationship at this time, therefore he'd enjoy a woman just to hang out with, go places together and occasionally have sex with but he's not READY for a relationship. so as understandable as that was it was also kinda dumb to me. It already sounded like a relationship. I tried to school him on uncontrollable attachment and uncontrollable feelings and he agreed. He said he wasnt in to hurt nobody's feelings. But he hates when things are going well then she throws the labels in. So basically we can **** but i cant call u my man?? If that wasnt enough to make me hang up. he got on me and him and our platonic friendship, he said if i even thought about sleeping with him he'd leap at the idea.(huh?) i wasnt in the least bit flattered. Guys have some nerve. What happened to the old days when two people liked each other an got 2gether?

What is Love??

So I thought love was when the satisfation and well being of another person was as important to you as if it was your self. So if thats the case we can surely love many people, but what about when you fall in love?

I know thats different, I think when u fall in love thats when the satisfation and well being of another person is part of YOUR priority. So if love is a good feeling to have and the bliss is like a natural high, why do so many people fight it?

Is it fair if one person falls in love before the other and the other one fights it and moves on? is that how the vicious cycle starts?

I've heard love is the most intense and powerful emotion that exists. I sometimes wonder is it thinking rational to think I could fall in love more than once? Can we actually fall in love over and over, especially after heartbreak? I'm not too sure about that. I know we can lust, but can we actually continuously open our hearts and become vulnerable again and again?

I look at all of girl friends, we are all attractive young women and we're just about all still looking for love. I guess its true; Love does not discriminate, because i've seen (what i think) is unattractive women and men, in eternal bliss and here we are attractive women with nice goals and personalities without love. Is it that the ugly people give off a better pheromone scent. If so that sucks, its like we can decide our careers, pick our cars, pick our homes, and so many other things, but when it comes to picking the one person you wanna fall in love with and he love you back, its a catch 22. Its all a bunch of bull to sum it up. I like this person and I know he likes me, now i'm still thinking about him and i'm sure he's thinking about me, but he's probably scared. Scared of what, Love???? I am gonna move on, I have physically, I am going to mentally, but I'm expecting the moment he's outta my system he'll come back for what he loss. I wanna be there to wait for him, but thats just stupid, maybe i'll wait a little longer. Just because I want 2.

The fire

I really enjoyed our pit fire last night. I think we all released some nagging burdens from our soul. I sure did. I am going to try so hard to stop PROCRASTINATING. I hope you all enjoyed it. Even though we all almost choked to death from smoke inhalation.

Pit Fire

so i'm thinking Friday night, we can all get bundled up with gloves and scarves and come to my house and meet in the back yard with a piece of paper (or pack) with your fears or things you want to mentally get rid of written down and we'll burn them in the pit fire. I know for sure i'll have two sheets already; fear and procrastination. what will your's be????

Venting Again

So today just doesn't feel like my day of course it started with me waking up on the wrong side of the couch (facing the wall) then I looked at my phone which is my alarm clock that's suppose to wake me up at 5:50a, and it was dead, I turn on a news channel and of course its 6:47, and I have to be to work at 7. Thanks is all I can say. The drive here I was sure I was gonna get pulled over, it seemed like everyone on the road this morning was 80 years old and older, so i'm whipping through traffic blasting the radio and basically driving like a maniac, needless to say I did not get pulled over, I'm sure if i had i would've gone straight to jail. I am not in the mood today officer. So on my way to work, i'm not sure who and or what I was mad at but I came to realize I have changed and I don't like it, I have turned into some sappy, vulnerable, nice girl who gets taken for granted and gets my heart crushed, mangled, broken all the above more than often, and I don't like it, I am going back to being the old me, the strong, don't care, hard girl I used to be. I felt more protected that way. I can not control the curve balls that are thrown in my life, but I can surely catch them. I might hate this life, but its what has been given to me, so when lemons are being thrown at me, I might as well make lemonade.

New Idea

This is from Que:

Ok I was reading in the Redbook Magazine and came across an article that may also help us celebrate the power of being a woman. Every month during the full moon, these women attend a Goddess GAthering at one of their homes woth about a dozen other women. Where they eat good food, share their goals, and celebrate energy and dreams. The last time they met they wrote their fears down on paper and then burned them in a campfire. This process helped them identify and let go of the fears that were standing in their way. And as we continue to gather each month we can all come up with different ideas for ways to empower us as women.

What do yall think? I think its pretty cool.

Wondering

So a friend and I were having a conversation about men, and she came in contact with a man that was so straight forward that i'm not sure i'd appreciate it or be instantly pissed. So.... i'm not too sure about this, if a guy was to tell me within the first few minutes of the conversation that he would like to sleep with me because he is attracted to me, and go on to tell me that our bodies look like they would be a perfect match as one, I think i would do take a move from pumpkin on the 'new york' show and spit in his face, then I think about this and I might appreciate his honesty, shake his hand, smile and walk away. I'm not really sure about this but the idea of men being this straight out sickens me. Are we women being waaay too easy and men think thats what their suppose to say? am i missing something???? are we not worth the time and effort to win us over?

Purpose

So I couldn't resist the temptation of watching the movie Julie & Julia, I loved it!!! I know.... I'm such a geek, Oh well. Anyway it made me think, what is my purpose in life? Its probably late in the game to be undecided, but I need to re-evaluate my status. Julia in the movie wanted to know the same thing, what's her purpose in life, so she came up with an idea to not only cook everything in Julia Child's cook book, but to also blog it and it was a hit.

New To Me

So we're trying something new and supposely fun, in a couple hours we're going ice skating, yea!!!! right??? more like oooh!!! I am really scared, all I can imagine is me laying out on the cold ice with one leg under me and one arm across the room, and Amarian laughing his ass off. I can barely keep my balance on a normal day, but here I go!!!! I'll try to still look cute when i fall, I gotta keep my r*ckst*r status :)



So.....I went. I put on the skates, laced them up, put my gloves on, got all ready to roll and stayed on the side line the whole time, I could not let go of the wall, I was really scared, that is a crazy sport, you're bound to fall. Oh well atleast I tried it.

Dagger In My Heart

I am not trying to rush the process of grief, its moving along at the speed it should, i guess. But why is it everytime someone we haven't seen in a long time mentions him I get the lump in my throat all over again? or the racing heart? its like i'm hearing it all over again when a unfamiliar person mentions him. Just something I just experienced.

Cheer me up

Ok so it's one of those days where I feel BLAH!!!!, I don't know why, nothing hurts nothing bad has happened, just BLAH!!!! Tell me the funniest most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you. I need to laugh. I'm not sure this is the most embarrassing thing from me because there are so many times, but this one comes to mind,
I was at work goofing around, bored as hell, so Megan and I decided to scare our supervisor, so i decided to crawl into this huge cart like thing and jump out when she comes in the hall way, but Megan had other plans, once i crawled into the cart she pushed me halfway thru the hallway and all i could do is sit down and roll, all of a sudden she let go of the cart and disappeared in the locker room, once the cart stopped rolling I peeked out and a nurse was coming through the door, I couldn't hop out or hide because she left me in the cart directly in the middle of the hallway, I was so embarrassed, here I am at work 27 years old, a grown ass woman getting caught rolling around in a cart through the hallways alone, all the lady could do is crack up laughing. I laughed but I have never been so embarrassed. She probably thinks i'm coo coo, she never even saw megan, just me, making a ass outta myself alone.

Change Up

Here's something to think about, say you meet the perfect guy he's smart, respectful, attentive, caring,and fine as hell. He's basically a keeper, maybe we can change things around a little and take him out,What would be the perfect date you would take him on? I'm still thinking.......

Caution: Love

Love never comes with a warning label, Its like taking a prescription medicine that's suppose to make you feel good, but the side effects make you feel worse than you were before. We all fall for it,it happens to us all. I guess we as women need to read and research the people we fall in love with before we consider taking it more serious. A red flag is a red flag, and not to be over looked.

Bad Boys

When people say they're attracted to bad boys, I thought I knew what they meant, a guy that looks like Justin Bobby on the 'Hills' or a guy that has Jay Z swag. And i've been one of the girls that was always attracted to 'bad boys', but the other day I was having a conversation with a male friend and he insisted I was a 'bad boy kinda girl' I guess i used to be; until he explained what bad boys meant to guys. He informed me it is a guy that has a rap sheet long as his body, an abuser and a user. I felt a little stupid because what the hell would I do with a idiot with all those issues, then I kinda got mad at my friend for even saying I would be the kind of girl interested in this type of person (idiot). Its too late to bring this back up to him now, he'll definately think i'm crazy so i'm getting it out now.

Sisters

you know... i've been thinking lately and having a sister is like the best thing in the world, especially if you're blessed with more than one,(lucky me) I thought about this, those two can really get on my nerves asking me too many questions, getting all in my business, judging me, gossiping about me, all thee above and more , all b.s. But the special thing about having sisters is out of all that; God specially placed us together because he knew we would always stick together, through any and every tough times, we never stray apart from one another. For christmas I got them something special, well one I already gave it to her ( she was in a pouty mood) and I want them to wear this piece of jewelry everytime we're together, I won't say this to them, i'm just gonna see if they do it. I love my sisters and I am so glad i have them, they are totally different and I talk to each one about different things and I also have to approach them differently. One's attitude is mild and one is Hot :) i'm the middle child, so that speaks for itself. I'm the special one.

I'm just writing this because I'm being nice today, don't get scared and think i'm gonna die or something, i'm just nice sometimes.

Ciao :)

Its Kinda Funny

Its funny how I used to think the friends you've known the longest are the one's that will be with you through thick and thin and will always be in your life, because we grew up together. Well i've learned a friendship is so not measured on years knowing each other. Recently I enrolled my son in a bereavement camp and they had family support day on each friday, I so did not want to go and cry in front of complete strangers and get everyone all in "my" business, but I went anyway after i told my "mother-in-law" I was not gonna make friends because i'm antisocial and I just didnt wanna make new friends. Well guess what??? I thought i found a girl who was kinda like me so i figured i'd talk to her later after the group ended. Maybe not she was gone and on her way, plus I wasn't there to meet new friends anyway.

The next week at the balloon release there was another parent from the group sitting near me while we were waiting for our children to be checked out, I asked her one question, I was just curious about, and guess what???

I now have a lifetime friend. I'm sure of this. I have never met someone, especially a female and clicked so well so fast, we relate to one another, we understand each other, neither one of us knew how to feel, how to act, or how to go on when our boyfriends, the father's of our children passed away. We've now become very good friends and we talk often, we can call one another and cry laugh, anything. And the most amazing thing to me is our children, my son and her daughter, the same age, act so much alike. Kids handle grief so much differently than adults. I'm glad I met her she is truly a life saver. Thank You

Life I ordered???

So of course I was reading another one of my millions of books and one of the questions after the chapter was: What are three things you want to accomplish or experience in this lifetime? I've been really thinking about this question and i'm still pondering the question, because if I say eternal love, than that can dissipate, If i say more money I will end up spending it all anyway on unnecessary things, and If I say a vacation to the cayman islands i'll see a commercial with a better hot spot to relax at. ?????

Confused Again

why do guys play games? why is it when you've moved on they come back???? Its the weirdest thing ever, you could be at home waiting for that one to call and when he doesn't and doesn't show up either, you move on and Boom!! he's back. why??????

Its getting late

So i'm a little confused he just asked me "do u think you could fall in love with me"? how did i answer that? I said yes I could fall in love with you. I was nervous to say that though. why does he give me butterflies? i thought i liked someone else, I was for sure I found my night and shining armour months ago, sure there was red flags but nobody's perfect, right? but where were the butterflies then?

Post Thanksgiving

So I must admit Thanksgiving was kinda hard this year for me, I took the meds the doctor said would make me feel better, I did. But the real feelings of missing a life partner came crashing down on me two days later, maybe the alcohol did enhance it but the pain was real. I never in a million years would've thought i'd be a single parent by chance of him dying in a car accident. It seems like someone elses life, not mine. We're too young, we have/had so much more growing, loving, arguing, bickering and love to make. I'm 28, its been 6months. Wow!!! I can't believe its been six months already. It does get a little easier, but the pain still sits in my chest. The pain also is in my eyes when my mind wonders to 'what if' mode. I always think of what if, but if i believe the bible and understand it, i'd stop thinking 'what if'. I guess