Stepping out on faith

As much as I want to lay in this bed with my face under the pillows, I can’t. I am deeply hurt by Brandon’s death, I don’t even believe it when it comes out of my mouth. I know its true but I don’t believe it. I know now part of growing up is losing people we care for either to natural causes or homicide, and accidents.  I fell so deep in depression after losing Eimen, my world was turned upside down, I was mentally gone. So this time i’m stepping out on faith. The day after Brandon’s death, Amarian was so sad it broke my heart in pieces, i literally wanted to just give up because there is nothing i can do about it, so i tried something different, I pulled out the bible. We read the Bible and understood what it said about evil doers and grief and suffering and we learned and understood it. And honestly it made us both feel better, so everytime I think i’m about to lose it, I either pull out my little Bible or I remember  what me and Amarian learned. To keep the faith.

Faith is the only thing that keeps me sane at this time in my life.   Faith is all I need.

 

If I haven’t said it lately

 

I love you

Brother

As I sit here in complete solace, the children are sleeping and all I can hear is their breathing and the clock ticking, I think about what is most important in life.

I also think about how I want to be remembered when I leave this earth. Of course the thought came from losing Brandon. I can honestly say Brandon was a great brother in law. We have really loss a good person, but I guess God had a better plan for us and him, so to save myself from crying a river right now, I will just say Brandon left this earth being remembered as one of the greatest men alive. He took care of everybody. I'm not talking financially, i'm talking about mentally, physically and spirtually. I could call him at any hour and he would answer my call and help me solve whatever dilema I was having, we would just call each other and chit chat about Amarian, Eimen, anything, thats how cool he was. I will miss him so much. He showed up to everything, he supported us, he was our backbone he was the man voice in our lives.

The last time he called me was last saturday and we were on the phone planning a birthday picnic for Eimen, and he was calling to get some ideas from me. Now we'll be planning this picnic for him and Eimen.

I know I will be alright in time. The news hit me so hard I fell to the floor and could not see myself getting back up, I could not see how I would make it another day with such bad news, but I know I have to be strong for my son, I have to be strong for his mother, I have to be strong for myself, so as much as it hurts and brings back sad memories from Eimen, I have to pick myself up each day, cry some, wip my tears and keep living. I can't give up, I have to trust myself and God enough to know I can get through this pain.

So what is most important in life? it's not the amount of success you've achieved, it's not the most money you have, the best car, the nicest house, none of that materialistic stuff.

What's most important in life is family.

I want to be remembered as loving my family and especially my children unconditionally, I want to be remembered as loving hard and genuinely. I want to be known as going the extra mile for them. I have to be remembered as taking care of my family and doing whatever is necessary to protect them. Family is all most of us need and family is not always same bloodline. Sometimes people come into our lives and it seems like they should have been part of the family so we make them a part. And thats ok to when all intentions are genuine and loyal. I actually wrote this without breaking down. ( I guess its the meds)

If I haven't said it lately, I love You

Me First

I just came back from Elements Therapeutic Massage Spa and I feel great. The massage therapist had some magic hands, my body had so many knots it felt like she was rubbing a bumpy road. We had to laugh. My back had a knot the size of a chihuahua's head. The massage went well but i feel good now a tiny bit embarrassed. I think the lady wanted to climb on my back and use her knees. My body was so tense. Im glad she didnt. Anyway incidents like this remind me that I need to take better care of myself. We do all these things for other people but leave ourselves last. Its not healthy and today im taking care of me. Hopefully you'll take care of you.

Jadyn

Don't you just love the statement "anything a man do, a woman can do better? or the one that goes " a woman can do a job as good as a man if not better?

Well for months now Jadyn Amerie has been trying to prove these statements true. See Jadyn is a girlie girl but she can also tussle with the fellas too.

So my point of this page is a protest for her, to convince her mother to ALLOW and SPONSOR her to join KARATE. She's so serious about it, she shows up to class with Amarian every week just to sit and watch. I feel so sorry for her if she was my daughter I would definately allow her to join in. I guess sensei felt the same way as me because today he told her to stand up and join the class. She's still psyched.

All that want Jadyn to join karate, holla if u hear me!!!!!!
(she's waiting and watching for responses)

My Rock

The worse thing about losing someone is losing someone you love and who was also 'My Rock' I felt like I was progressing and i'm sure I still am, but lately it has really hit me that I have no rock. I have no back up. I have no protection. I don't have Eimen. I've always had him, since I was 17 years old he has been in my life, faithfully, we grew up together, we became adults together, we became parents together, we became who we are today, together. I know no one else, I know no other way.

Its been almost two years! I can't believe it and I honestly have not grown, I am faking. I don't know what the hell is going on in my life, I am just living day to day. I have no goals, I have no interest in making any either. I don't know how to. I've always had him to call and discuss a new idea a new goal or anything and he would tell me straight out what he thought about it. He always supported me, we had such a bittersweet relationship, we were (non incest) like sister and brother, we fought (not physically) like cat and dog all the time, but we made sure each other was alright before the end of the night.

I miss him dearly, I miss him soo much, I'm back tracking. I was sure starting over with Juan would ease the pain some and make life a little easier and I would be just fine. But it hasn't happened. Juan is not my rock, he is not my protector, my back bone, I can't close my eyes and fall back and expect him to catch me, he is just a pebble and I need a rock.

I am my own lousy rock.

Corned Beef and Cabbage Day

In honor of Grandpa’s Birthday tomorrow we are cooking his favorite food. Corned beef and cabbage. I can remember him coming in sometimes with just one bag from the grocery store it had a head of cabbage and a package of corned beef. He’d come in smiling and i’ll be looking at him with a slight grin, then he’ll say ‘ ah can you cook this for me?  And of course i did.

Grandpa’s last three years were the best. He found a higher power to believe in and it changed him as a man. A better man. We liked this new man, he was nice, gentle, compassionate, kind, and funny. A different Grandpa from that overly strict military man he once was.

Grandpa would eat cb&c at least once every week, it started to get annoying but hell it was nothing to just throw it in a pot and get it started for him, so we did.  And in honor of you grandpa aka the black Irishman as we have for the last 5 years on your day March 6 we will be cooking corned beef and cabbage.

 

Much Love,