Its my fault

Well it's Juan's fault too. We can't put Kami down for two seconds before she's screaming for human touch and body heat. Then she's fine. There is no turning back now. I sure feel bad for the daycare provider. lol

She has arrived

Kamryn Amaria made her grand entrance October 5th @3am. Of course I am so excited. She is too cute. She kinda looks like her big brother just pink. I feel well she's doing well and I cant wait to heal and make up for lost time with Amarian. New daddy was in the room looking dazed and tryn to hide in a corner but the staff had him holding my legs and coaching me to push harder . Im now a mother of two which sounds scary but like all challenges im sure ill master this too.

A baby will be born.....soon

Im in labor. Yay!!!! Im sure with my luck this will be all night and possibly morning. But oh well im just glad ill get to see her soon. Okay gotta go. Will keep in touch

Disposable Friends

I had an epiphany last night. I've been witnessing a single act for years but it just hit me last night. It seems to me for some people its easier to make new friends than to patch things up with the old ones. Some people can and will dump the old buddies at the drop of a dime if they get outta line or do something out of the ordinary. I've never had a ton of close friends, i've had people I know and can hold a conversation with, but my circle has always been small, thats the way I like it. I'm not the social butterfly some are, and the friends I have if we ever go through a rough patch, usually i'll wait it out and it'll get back to normal or if it's time to just let it go, Its just time.

I can't see myself changing friends like I change my clothes, everyone is not to be trusted. I tend to look at things and people deeper, my first impression of someone is with a very cautious eye and 90% of the time its with good reason.

Is it really easier/healthier to dispose the old friends for new ones?

Whats Up Baby?

So i've come this far, my legs hurt, my pelvis hurt, I've had excruciating back muscle spasms (this morning was the latest) I've eaten fairly healthy, i've not drank even a sip of alcohol, stayed away from cigarette smoke, driven fairly safe, buckled up most of the time (until it became uncomfortable) all the above and more to make this little girl healthy. So now what is the hold up? Who the heck researched that a pregnancy suppose to last 40 weeks? I think it's overkill.

I need relief like yesterday, i'm walking like i'm an 90 year old with arthritis and getting mad over stupid stuff and you mean to tell me I have to wait 3 more weeks??? this is some Bull!!! I had cramps last night for about 3 hours but it stopped,this baby is never coming out. I started drinking raspberry leaf tea to make labor more smoothly, if it ever happens. I guess it could be worse if I was an elephant who has to go 2 years being prego, but by the looks of it I might be headed in that direction.

No more

So i've come to the conclusion that I just can't drop Amarian off to school in the morning. The last three times, I have gotten so teary eyed, the first time I choked, the second I teared and the third time today I just all out cried. Now he has been in school for 4 years now, and I was driving to work crying like today was his first day of kindergarten. I almost wanted to call off just so I could be at home when he got out. And of course he would've gotten on my last nerves, but thats how I felt at that moment. These hormones are no joke. Almost done

Thanks

I am dog tired at this moment but I had to write before I lay down for bed. Never in a million years would I have thought out of all the pain I went through this time last year with losing Eimen that I wouldve ever thought we would be celebrating the arrival of a new life. I am forever grateful for all my friends and family. Thank You All for just being You. (and the gifts and cards) Good Night

Dog Lovers Not Welcome

My mom really annoys me with this dog s***, Of course everyone knows Boo our Bishon Frise. The f****** king of the castle. Why is it necessary to not only let the dog outside to do his business, but to actually go out with him, at 4 in the morning when Boo has to go out she goes out too, Let the damn dog have some freaking privacy already. And don't sit down at the table like a family and eat dinner, she has to allow Boo to jump up on her legs and beg for food. I scream so loud "Get down and get out" I cannot stand that. When i'm relaxing in the recliner or the couch, i'll be damn if the freaking dog doesn't jump up there and try to scoot me over. Oh hell no!!! I love him but enough is enough, when I go to the bathroom I need to not be followed and I refuse to let him in and sit at my feet. Damn!!! If that is not enough, when its time for bed she has to put him in the bed with her. Its a freaking dog!!! let the goddam dog sleep on the floor or in front of the door like he's made to do. Protect

Some people take this dog loving too serious, yeah you love them, feed them and enjoy them like your children. But sometimes things can get out of hand.

I told her if she keeps this up, Boo is not gonna need his rabbit to hump, he'll soon hump on her. yuck!!

Enjoying The Moment

Would I sound crazy if I said in these last few weeks I might actually enjoy pregnancy a little bit? I probably would sound crazy if I said I enjoy the doors being held for me, the people almost smashing themselves to hold the elevators open for me, or the special cautions from folks when there is a wet floor? Or the smiles I get from strangers. I guess I would sound crazy if I said that I secretly marvel when I can't climb out of bed on my own and Juan has to wake up and give me a boost. (if i have to wake up at 3,4, and 5 to pee why doesnt he have to wake up too?)

It really doesn't matter, because everyone knows i'm crazy anyway, so I might as well say today and I can only speak for today, today I enjoy my pregnant belly.

I know I said just because i'm pregnant doesn't give me a reason to just cry when I feel the need and be all emotional. So this shouldn't count because I was alone. When I dropped Amarian off at school this morning, he kissed me good bye and got out of the car and walked to his line, I wanted to burst out crying, I taught him how to be independent but at that moment he was so grown. I wanted to cry and get out and grab his hand and walk him to the door. He didn't need me. He didn't need me to park my car and escort him. He didn't need me and I wanted to cry :(

A Little Easier

Yes!!!!!

My life has gotten a little bit easier today, the douchebag I worked with has gotten canned!!!! I am so happy I don't have to suffer through the smell of old man whiskey covered in old man cologne any longer and looking at his squinty scary mysterious bloodshot red eyes.(ugh) So hopefully monday I will walk in work with a smile and a pep in my step. Thank God!!

Sunday Love

Today has started off on a good note, i'm in no pain, everyone woke up on the right side of the bed and I woke up to my boo :)

So little sis comes over and we're all hungry for breakfast, we all decide to go to denny's. This is where the interesting part comes in. Our waitress is acting kinda weird, she kinda asked us our order in a weird way and she kept looking stupid. I noticed but didn't think anything of it. As the time went on she kept bringing things to our table, napkins, silverware, drinks etc. Fine. But what is with the stupid look and the sly smile?

We get our food, "is there anything else I can get you?" she asked.
"Uh yeah syrup for Juan's pancakes, duh!! once again another slick smile and giggle.

I'm wondering now wtf am I missing? Of course little sis doesn't miss a beat baby, she called it out. "This bitch is flirting with Juan right in our face" Now he's looking crazy, i'm not mad at all mainly because its funny and he doesn't seemed fazed, boy if he did it probably would have went down in denny's.

We stayed a little longer and we all watched in amazement at how obvious this girl was, smiling and giggling and she even came back to our table with her hair different. Ok so i'm pregnant and sober, but of course I can't let this slide. If I wasn't preggo and sober, I would've had a little more fun with the situation, but I took one of the kids crayons and wrote her a note.

Tip: 2 cents
'Keep your googly eyes to yourself. Better luck next time'
and little sis topped it with two pennies.

Some people can be so rude

Happy Sunday

If I Could

I am totally exhausted i worked 9 1/2 hours. What was i thinking? I keep being asked when im gonna stop working. I wish i could stop today but this isnt the 60's this is a new day and age. Women dont always have the luxury of stayn home nesting. Why wasnt I born then???? I swear if i had been i would be the best domestic woman ever. If you could would you rather be at home taking care of the kids, surfn the net, catchn up with friends, being a pta mom, napping after oprah and being home for your man after work? I would

Stand by your man?

I was thinking about the t.i. And tiny situation. They got pulled over and the police found marijuana and ecstasy. Of course t.i. Is in a lot of trouble now. So if it was me in tiny's place I would take the fall for it, no second guessing and with no hesistation. Thats her husband now and I think she should. What would you do?

I'm woman hear me roar!!!!

Today has got to be a good day, I have been fighting with this wireless router thingy for weeks, I've asked juan to help me and the computer/dvd man and none of that went anywhere, so finally I sat down went online and figured it out myself. I went to walmart early this morning and got a usb adapter. And what happened??? after 20 minutes of clicking here and there, it said CONNECTED!!!!!

I am so proud of myself!!!

Who really needs a man??

Zane

So someone brought it to my attention that zane has a new book. "the hot box" so of course im a book junkie anyway I just went and bought it. I love her books( and not because they're erotica either)lol. Anyway I need you all to read this with me. So stop being lazy and go buy this book to catch up with me. No you cant borrow mine. Velvet :)

Have u ever?

Have you ever been so annoyed, you just want to cry? Well I have and I did. I left work early I could not take the stupidity of my new coworker any longer. I got in my car and just balled my eyes out. I have never been so annoyed in my life. It felt like a fly constantly buzzing in my ear and I couldnt catch it. I wish no meaness on this dude but i'd rather not see him ever again. If im not sick tomorrow i can surely see my self walking in work. crying. I never want to go back. My brain is so clustered and i feel so weepy. All because of this one guy. Then if im not annoyed enough. On my crying drive home this car wants to drive directly next to me doing the same speed. I sped up. He sped up. I finally turned to him. Of course he's lookn at me now. He read my lips. "what the fuck are you looking at?" and he sped off. I cried more. Im going home. finally.

Almost done

So the bun in the oven is almost done and I cant wait. I am so tired, lazy, and anxious its ridiculous. Not to mention ive had two hospital visits this month from muscle spasms. Plus i waddle now instead of walking. My ankles are puff daddy, my nose is pointy, my eyes look tired, i need a new pair of legs and yeah did i mention im super well umm.... let's just call it affectionate towards juan. He's thinking im crazy because couple months ago i couldnt stand him now I love him and cant get enough of him :) He said the creativity pot is running low. (positions) yeah im ready to see the newbie things are getting difficult. 6 more weeks and im drinking that raspberry tea. Im ready

Work

It has been a looonnng week for me. At work we have a new co-worker and this man drives me up a wall and im scared for him if i come down. I have never in my life seen a grown ass man with several years experience so dumb. This guy asks sooo many questions its like working at a fucking daycare center. I honestly cant stand him. He lied on his resume like he was a pro at this but he is dumb as fuck. He's makin my job harder and pissing me off to no end. I swear i dont know how im gonna go another week with this dumbass. I might take my leave earlier than expected. Its either that or they will find me with him in a headlock. And im not letting go. Ugh!!

Happy Birthday Amarian

Today Amarian turns 8, of course people thought he was already 18 by his smart mouth. Anyway we will be celebrating at one of those Monkey play places, Ive already spent $270 on this boy a new Xbox system and game and a cool Airbender cake. Its the joy of seeing his face light up that's priceless. I cant wait. Anyway. Happy Birthday mini me and many more.

Congratulations!!!!

Congratulations to Megan and Justin on their new baby!!

Jackson Anthony was born this morning August 4, with no problemos!!!
Good Luck.

Hypothetically Speaking

So I have a question for all: I have my opinion and my thoughts about this, I just want to see if i'm logical in my thinking.

Say hypothetically you and your other half, boyfriend, baby daddy, lover, whatever you wanna call him are having a baby together and he owns a building and he stays in one apartment and he wants you in another apartment in the same building. His building. Discounted rent.

Does that make sense? or is that half stepping? is he being thoughtful? or slick or sly?

Apple Jacks

It's 2am. Of course I had to get up to pee. I layed back down and got all comfy... And now my stomach is growling. Ain't this a *****? I usually have the apple jacks in arms reach but i had Amarian take them back in the kitchen. Im hungry, damn i need those apple jacks. Maybe he's not in a deep sleep yet. Damn that would be wrong. I'll just call little sis she has a key. Yeah good thinking :) i'll let you know what happens.

Devil monster cont'd

That all? He kept interrupting my train of thought so finally i got heated. When i got to the window i was like 'ok relax and just get the food and drive off' he opens the window and was talking so fast i couldnt understand my total i had to look at the red total numbers in front of me. Ok i had enough of this shit. I told him "he really needs to slow it down because if my food is incorrect, i am throwing this shit right back at him". He looked at me and slowed it down. I think he saw me turning green. My order was fine and i drove off happy. Im 7 months pregnant and i can change the rules i created if i want to. Yeah so what I have been crying so much lately it is a crying shame. If i dont get what i want im going to cry. I ask for reasonable things and for them to be done Now!! Is that to much to ask??? Anyway I havent been out with the girls lately,I think we need to all get together and have lunch or dinner. I have more get out of jail freetime. Two months left. Let's use it!!!! ( I swear ill behave)

Devil Monster

I remember I said just because im pregnant doesnt give me the right( and u wont see it from me) to be crying and whining and on no bitchassness. I actually meant that for all pregnant women. BUT damnit that was then and this is now! I am 7 months pregnant and some kind of devil monster has come into my body and it doesnt give a shit who you are or what you stand for it will eat you alive chew you up and spit you out to be eaten and chewed again ( if need be) When this devil monster comes out its only because youve bothered a nerve and thats not really hard to do, an example would be the day that I just had to have taco bell, I swear lately if taco bell closes down or closes early you would see me on the news for breaking in fixing a taco myself ( i just have to have my taco bell) anyway we get to the drive thru and why did it have to be a guy that was rushing me? Oh no he didnt!!!! He was talking so fast and im tryn to think what i want to order, but he kept saying "is

Baby Shower

so I have part of an idea for a baby shower in my mind. I think I want like a girlish tea party look with purple/pink flowers nice wine glasses, im not sure about the food maybe samples of all my cravings?they were mostly fruits. And maybe the fire pit if were outside? I just envision a more intimate celebration. Ideas?????

Help..Anyone?

As I have many cons to being pregnant, the one that gets to me the most is.... what do I do when i'm frustrated or had a bad day? PrePregnant I would get a cold glass of riesling and maybe lay on the couch and forget all my issues for a minute, or take a warm bath with a glass of riesling, or i'd probably get in my car or anywhere and cry and scream to the top of my lungs, with a glass of riesling, or maybe pop a happy pill (without the riesling). But now i'm totally lost, i've been holding in all my frustrations because I honestly don't know how to express them any differently.


How the hell is a preggo woman to let off some steam around this bitch??????????????

The Big 30!!!!

Happy Birthday Zakiya

She's the big 30 today!!!!! I can party with you friday, but too bad I can't party like a rockstar with you :( in time.

Big Butterfly

So the little butterfly flutters I used to feel that made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside, have now turned in to jabs!!! Baby Kamryn is now punching and kicking me so hard I want yell a little bit. Especially when Juan is around. I guess she's reacting to the butterflies in my belly (because he does still give me that butterfly feeling):)

Anyway, I can't wait til meet her the days are getting longer and more stressful, I think i've pulled every muscle in my body, pregnancy after 25 is just not good to the body. I just read this book called 'rattled' and I swear this book is almost my life, you have got to go get it, sorry i can't loan mine out, the last person who borrowed a book from me, when I asked for it back asked me "oh do I have that book"? so sorry go get your own, its a good read for any woman who has children single or not. or even for those who don't have kids.

Unfortunately I'm at the workplace, so i'll check in later.

RockStarButterfly

I feel like crying. My mind is telling me to do things but my body is saying Hell No! I just went on a few errands and the heat made me feel so faint and slightly dizzy. So i hurried up and came back home. Once home I have tripped over the rugs and the shoes on my feet. This is so frustrating. If tripping constantly over my own feet wasnt enough. I had a taste for something cold so i get a freeze pop out if the freezer and I went to cut it open and sliced my finger instead. I really wanna cry like a baby. When I see juan im smacking the shit out of him. If i never met him I would never be feeling like this. Today is just not my day :(

Mind Boggling

I've been going back and forth in my mind about my past and my future, and I think we need another pit fire, I have some things to write down and burn. Its time for me to stop letting my past dictate my future, it's time to stop my past from dictating my feelings for today and tomorrow, its time to put the past in the past. If I didn't have a past I wouldn't grow and I need to remember this everyday. Good or bad our past is food for our growth. Its also time for me to stop worrying and even caring what other people think or say about me.

I have really turned into a chump!!!
A year or two ago, I didn't give a **** what nobody said or thought, damn I can't wait to get back to normal and find myself again, so I can tell it how I feel it.

Lost

so having kids can really run you ragged, most of us look at the vacation commercials and just day dream about getting a break at least for a few hours. A jamaican trip would be nice also. But I must say in two days my baby is going to Atlanta for a couple of days and I feel sick. What am I suppose to do while he's gone? I am missing him already its sickening I know but my stomach is in knots and I feel a headache coming on. I could catch up on some sleep or actually have the big tv to myself or just chill with no interruptions but. Im just gonna call it a night because I feel like im gonna cry. My right hand will be gone for a few days and I feel lost already :(

Annoyed

It doesn't take a lot to annoy me, but lately I have been extra annoyed. wondering what this time????

ok so lately everytime i'm out in public I might of course people watch here and there and glance over at people and lately I have just been seeing the nastiest shit ever. GROWN ASS MEN DIGGING IN THEIR NOSES IN PUBLIC!!!!

Yesterday at Kmart we were walking to our car and one man was actually sitting with the car door open one leg out digging in his nose for a few more minutes before he went inside the store, I could not stop staring at him, and he actually stared at me too as if I was doing something so gross. I gave him the meanest look ever, you know the look where your nose flares and your lips kinda pucker, like UGH!!

Then today in rush hour traffic, I mean bumper to bumper I just glanced over again to my right and yet another man driving with one hand and digging in his nose with the other, that is the nastiest shit ever, I cannot get over this, I was mugging him so bad I almost hit the car in front of me, I wanted to roll down my window and scream "you nasty ass, get some tissue" but I stayed in my own car and kept my composure.

How could I forget before I got on the expressway after work I stopped to get gas and it was about 4 people standing out pumping gas and enjoying the warm breeze, I guess the guy in the mercedes thought he was all that, so he was like leaning on his benz pumping his gas and guess what??? DIGGING IN HIS GOTDAMN NOSE!!!!! I mean I looked at him and rolled my eyes, how could people not be more discreet? I mean he was just standing there all in the open digging in his nose with no tissue, and just imagine the next person who comes there and pumps their gas, a strangers boogers all over their hands. Just nasty!!!!

Its not always men, once I had witnesses to my annoyance, me, ma, keonia and the rugrats were riding in keonia's truck and ma was looking down in the car at the lady next to us so that made us all look, I mean all of us,( we were at a red light) and so we're all watching this lady go to town digging in her nose, all of a sudden just when we thought "this bitch is sick" she digs some more and puts her finger in her mouth. I ALMOST LOST MY MIND!!!!!!
We were so disgusted we were pecking on our windows and screaming 'ugh'!!!! the truck was shaking because we all were trying to get this lady's attention. Of course she never turned her head. I mean some people are just disgusting.

I don't like to think I attract nose pickers, but that's what it's looking like. Maybe a higher power is testing my patience? I don't know but I think if I see another person digging in their nose in public, I just might walk over and hand them some tissue. But let me say this, this better not ever happen with a friend or family member of mine because I will call you out on it, and you might hate me later.

Totally Annoyed!!!

Lost Track

I think out of all the different things that have been going on in my life within the last year i've lost track of what my original goal was. I remember my goal for the year 2008/2009 was to have a complete family (which included Eimen) and we moved into a new place to start off fresh and new. Then when things shifted and went sour my goal went with it. I'm just now realizing I need to either complete that goal even if it does have a few alterations to it or make a new one.

I think I'll keep the original goal of having a complete family and being more focused on family things, because I was just getting started when tragedy struck so its time to keep it moving. And what better time than with a new baby coming?

I'm sure I am not the only one who has set important goals for myself and has lost track along the way, anyone else?

Just Want to Scream!!!!

From yesterday:


Have you ever been so annoyed at someone or something that you just want to SCREAM!!!!!! I swear lately I have been so annoyed with the little things some people have been doing to me and around me. I want to scream so bad, I just don't want to scare the baby. I hate when people either buddy up around you and now you're the outsider ( I can really give two shits anyway) or when people act like they're so much better than you. " oh I have this or that or we're doing this" this really bugs me but all I have been doing is ignoring and walking away. I notice it!!!

I guess you only suppose to keep some people for a season and guess what? the season's changing.

lazy

It is so funny to me how lazy I am. Then again it's kinda annoying. I mean I dont want to anything that takes me off the couch or my big comfy bed. I heard about women like this and I could never relate but oh man I can relate now. Im doing good if I make it to work and on time. I didnt use to be like this hopefully i'll get back to normal or at least after angel face is born. I hope someone can relate????

At this moment

I must admit at this moment I feel so blessed and excited. I really feel like life is beginning to make sense. I was a little down the other day until my aunt quoted a religious script to me it basically said: God doesnt take anything from you without giving you something. And as I thought about that I felt better because out of all our hardships sooner or later we will laugh and smile again its a guarantee. God took Eimen from us but then he provided us with an unborn angel to bring us all joy and smiles even his family. I pray things only get better from here. Anyone else experience something taken away but something given in return?

I know now

I woke up this morning knowing i would find out the gender of the little feet and hands that are kicking and punching me, if the idea of having another child came to my mind i would always think id rather have another boy because i got this i have experience but when i looked at that screen and i saw those two legs and nothing to reassure me it was male i mentally went blank. God is really trying to force me to accept change. What in the world am i going to do with a baby girl like me?

Boy or Girl???

Im soooo nervous because later on today we will find out if im having a girl or boy. At first I was so stern on hoping it was a boy. ( i wanted to stick with what i know) But as weeks went on I realized having a little girl just might work out too. Because I love my son so much having a girl is like the best of both sides. Either way im ok with it. ( at this moment) What i do know is it better just be one.

Pregnancy Fit!!!!

So far I haven't had a bitch fit or pregnancy fit until...... Well I almost did today. So yesterday on my way home from work I was hungry and I stopped at McDonalds to get a salad and what do I see on the menu???? A reese's McFlurry. Man I couldn't wait to dig in that ice cream, as always I took like 3 spoonfuls and I was done with it, I just had to taste it. But I knew I wasn't sharing with anybody though, I do not share. Sorry!!! Anyway I put it in my grandma's freezer and I planned on taking another few spoonfuls the next day and maybe the next, it's gross to some people but thats just how I like to do things, always has been. Anyway, I go there after work today and I sent Amarian in to get it out of the freezer and what does he say???????????

ITS NOT THERE!!!!!!!!!

My mother's brother had the nerve to calmly say he ate it. I had to have him repeat it, and he did, he ate it. I stood there and tried to catch my composure, he was planting flowers for my grandma and It took everything out of me not to kick his ass face first in one of those flower pots. How the hell do you eat something that does not belong to you???? I should have put some ex lax in it and maybe his stupid ass wouldnt have been so casual telling a pregnant me he ate my ice cream. You know I live for revenge. Anyway my sweet aunt says "I probably would have eaten it too, what kind was it, a vanilla cone"? I said no and to keep the peace I totally ignored everything around me for the next 3 minutes. I'm still not sure why she thought to join the band wagon, but anyway I got in my car and I went to McDonalds and got me another Reeses McFlurry. I did good, because I forethought how the scene on the patio could've went had I reacted; I mean I pictured people crying, kids nervous, neighbors looking, police cars everywhere, me in handcuffs, my uncle in handcuffs, my grandma looking confused, me crying because all I wanted was my ice cream to stay where I put it, I mean it could've gotten ugly out there.But I walked away and I'm proud of myself for doing so.

Needless to say, I took 3 spoonfuls out of my new ice cream and its now in my freezer waiting for me tomorrow to get 3 more, i'm sure it'll be safe in my own home, but if this happens again i'm not so sure I can be this calm the next time.

A 3am Noise

so im laying on the couch and i hear a noise. Who do i call? It sounds to small to be a robber and I clean too thoroughly for it to be a mouse. But i hear this noise and im about ready to grab my little one and dash outside to my car. Who do i call? Then again this is an old house with creepy sounds. But oh boy what if its not my imagination? I might need those guys from the 80's with all the gear on. Oh boy! Now im hungry I want a taco.

Bleeding Heart

Why do people come into our lives to leave? What is the lesson we're suppose to learn from the memory of a loved one? How can I think of any memories especially good when my heart is bleeding and painful? I have been holding it back all day long, but I just wanted to burst out and scream, Why? Why? does it matter when I look at the calendar and notice the date it makes me sad and my mind wonders back to the date a year ago when the last thing Eimen said to Amarian was "tell your mama I love her?" I for the life of me cannot see the lesson or reason why God would take away a child's parent so suddenly. I have not been to church in about a year because I thought I knew God and could understand the things he makes happen, but I don't so I don't go. My heart is hurting and my soul is still raw, it doesn't matter how many steps I move forward or what I change in my life, I cannot shake this feeling. I lost the one person in the world who truly understands me, my protector, my shield I knew if he was around nothing would hurt me, I felt so protected by him, and every since he's been gone I feel naked and unshielded, no one has made me feel that way since and I doubt if anyone ever could. I know i'll be fine as the dates go on until this time again next year but for now I feel like the year is 2009 and I'm re-living my worst days.

"Too Soon"

The other day I heard something that kinda stung me for a minute until I decided it wasn't worth holding on to all day. A person I am familiar with but do not know personally and do not care to know made the comment, that she heard I was pregnant and don't it seem 'too soon'?

It kinda stung me at first and I put it in the back of my mind until It made itself right back in my mind full force, here is my take on this comment. I do not have to prove my love for Eimen and anyone else by holding back in my life, would it have made folks feel better had I waited til my son was older and I was a lonely, depressed, bitter and scared woman? By me waiting years to move on does that prove I loved him more? how about I had the help and support I soo needed to help me grieve and move on with my life, I think about Eimen every single day, I have millions of pictures, memories and the greatest gift of all a son by him. I will never forget him, there is nothing I can do to bring him back, I can either sit in a daze and stay on the date he left this earth or I can grieve, mourn, cry, be depressed, hit rock bottom and eventually get back up and hope and pray he's in a better place and move on. I chose to do the latter. I don't have to prove my love to anyone by staying alone for a certain amount of time especially not to someone i've never even had a conversation with, a no talented hairdresser, thats also used as a punching bag. The weird thing about the whole situation is this person doesn't even know me, does not know Eimen and I relationship or our history, she might think she knows me but she really doesn't. I think she needs to stick with doing hair and keep my name and my business out of her mouth because like I said she really doesn't know me and she never will.

Happy Belated Birthday Quia

Well I told you Happy Birthday on the actual day April 23, but I thought i'd say it again since you might not remember. You are the BIG 30 now. I'm just saying.

Love Ya

Can you believe this S***

As if I didn't hate pregnancy enough already, last week I had at the unfavorable pleasure of being hospitalized with severe dehydration. Yeah the doctor diagnosed me with some big name illness Hyperemesis Gravidarium, it sounds like "ugh get away from her" but its severe pregnancy nausea and vomitting. I told you I hate change and apparently my body does too. I swear this had better be the second cutest and most well behaved baby ever for me to go through all this craziness, this is not for me. Atleast for the last two days i've felt better though, I actually got up yesterday and washed the dishes. Yea!!! My mom loved me for it. Anyway I hope it stays this way.

Another 'Can you believe this s***' ? moment. So my job the people I spend most of my days with, the folks I have to look at in the morning and would rather not, and also the ones who dictate eight hours of my life. Had the nerve to tell me if I called in to work one more time I would be written up, WTF? How the hell can someone else limit my sickness and I can't even control when i'll be sick or not. It sucks working for a company rather than yourself because It feels like betrayal. I mean these people notice my face when i'm sick, see me running to the bathroom and see me with my head down on a table and you have the nerve to threaten me? Well I have something for this, its called discrimination and I know they don't want that. I will read up on it later but pregnancy discrimination is still around and a usable law and I will use it if I have to. Bitches!!!

Well I feel better now, maybe i'll go take a nap
Smooches

Just had to get this off my chest

I got a little pissed today, because I told another "friend" of mine that I am with child and he questioned my decision and actually had a little 'tude'.
Now i'm confused, do these guys think I was their stand by girl, just in case they wanted me? I didn't want any of them in that way, when I say we're just friends thats what I mean, not maybe one day, therefore if any of them were to get married, have babies or move away I would be alright with that, because we are just friends. These guys have absolutely lost their minds, I am nobody's stand by girl, either you make it clear that we're dating, together or potential with my understanding and agreement, or I move on and live my life like I damn well did.

I guess you don't miss a good thing until it is gone, walking away in the sunset with another man and not looking back at their asses. I have had enough of these stupid guys that have their eyes on you, but too pussy to say anything and when you move on, its all of a sudden 'I loved you' or 'I'm mad at you for doing this' well you know what.. f*** you all and move on because I did.

Psss.... I feel better now.
Smooches

this is soo funny to me

It amazes me how i have lost touch with some of the very folks i thought were my good friends. I have always been that girl that gets along much better with guys than girls and I could ask some of my guy friends questions and sometimes get better answers. Those friends indeed platonic of course have disappeared since ive announced im with child. Uumm kinda fishy. I feel if u were a friend before and we were only friends whats changed? this just shows me who to deal with or not after this is all over. And the craziest thing is one of these particular friends has been around my entire childhood. But now that im off the market the two guy friends i thought i could depend on have vanished. What assholes?

Poor Me

Hey,

I haven't forgotten about my blog, I've just been so damn sick!!!
I have no desire to do much of anything, I mostly have my head stuck in the porcelein God or laying down to keep it down. This Sucks!!!! There are so many things I want to do, but Noooooo, my life has been temporarily interrupted. Anyway, i'll be back down soon.

Smooches

Did I forget to mention?

That the goddamn fish dream was about none other than.....Me
Yeah a night of rockstaring it and drinking tequila led me to conceive under complete total drunkeness. F***!!!!!!

Oh boy, I am in for the second ride of my life. I am not the kind of girl who particularly likes pregnancy, to be honest I hate being pregnant and no i'm not scared to admit it. I hope and pray for a healthy baby, but oh boy, here we go.

I'll try not to mention, i've been sick for weeks now totaling two months straight.
Did I mention I hate being pregnant. I wouldn't mind being a foster mother or even if a stork dropped a baby off on my door step would have been better. But oh boy here we go.

Not to mention my head constantly hurts not a migraine, just a nagging pain and not to mention my lucky night and shining armour does not understand any of these changes i've just described, I guess by the end of this pregnancy he'll understand me better, cause i'm sure he'll have to pull my foot out of his *** plenty of times if he doesn't comprehend the next time I say ' I just don't feel good'

Other than that today has been a pretty good day, oh and by the way,I don't cry either for all those punk ass pregnant women, pregnancy doesn't give us a cry to anybody free card, just get even and blame it on the hormones, I guess thats the only part of pregnancy I kinda like. Haha

Oh boy I hate pregnancy.

Everything's Fine

I just wanted to write because everything is fine, as of today in my little world everything is going good and I just wanted to focus on something positive rather all the negative thats been going on. I have been feeling so sick lately but today i'm good finally. (This stomach bug is no joke).

I want to hear from you about the things that are going good in your life, I'm sure we can all come up with a novel full of bad things, but let's focus on the good.

Smooches

Mean People

Ok how do you act or react when someone is deliberately mean to you? Me personally I can ignore a lot of b.s. and I can really be a bitch at times, but I'm curious how do others act when someone is purposely mean to them. I know It isn't holy and God like living with a revengeful mind, but boy is it fun. I hate when someone does something stupid to me, because I know in my mind as long as I live I will one day get you back. I know, I know some may think thats not good, but oh well.

Alone

I titled this alone because in my opinion It doesn't matter to me how great your family is, how great your friends are, how awesome strangers are to you, none of that really makes a difference because I feel like we are all alone anyway.

When your favorite family member lets you down time after time, and your bff pisses you off to no end, that only leaves one person to turn to...... yourself

Or when you marry your highschool sweetheart because he know's you oh so well,or have a boyfriend that you plan on marrying and then he calls you fat after you've had his babies? that only leaves one person to cry to, because your bff or family might think the same thing as him that only leaves one person to cry to.....yourself.

Or what about your person, because we all have a person. What about when your person doesnt understand you anymore and you're outgrowing each other, that only leaves one person......yourself

on the contray, I don't believe you can make it in this world alone, but I also know that we come in this world alone and leave alone for a reason. Because we are all we can really trust. You cannot soley trust anyone nowadays, not friends and not family. I'm my own person and I need to learn how to function by myself, without the attachment of others because eventually they will all let us down.

As much as people say they understand you and love and care for you, and they will be there for you, when you don't understand yourself or your decisions and you're fearful, those loving words coming from others go out the window when you most need them, I hate it when you trust someone when they say 'i'm here for you' and just when fear creeps in on you and you don't realize it and you react a defensive way, that very same person says 'well I won't say shit else to you, everything I say you shut me down' BOOM my point exactly, can't soley trust anyone, It doesn't matter who it is. If I react off of subconscious fear, why does it take a psychologist to realize it?

Because people have ego's and they really don't give a damn about you anyway. Its just what they're suppose to say.

Rules

I just want to know if anyone else has thought about this, When you meet someone and things are going great and you both feel good about the way the friendship is going, is there a time limit for things to evolve? Sex, saying 'I love you', moving in together, meeting each others families, getting married, having children?

I always thought things had a time limit, like six months to a year to have sex, we go dutch at dinner so he won't think i'm a gold digger, or I have to be home by a certain time so he won't think i'm a slut. I had all kinds of rules in my head long ago, but its like when you meet certain people or a certain person all of those silly rules go out of the window and things happen so naturally.

So I guess my question is has anyone ever had 'mandatory' rules and met someone and all those rules went flying out the window?

How well do you know people?

Why is it that when things are going ok, half way ok or bad in your life you have a rally of friends lined up to fight, fuss and bicker with you and for you. But when you are happy and content, those same friends are suddenly silent and kind of disappear? What happen to those same friends when you want to celebrate happy things and just laugh and have a good time?

What do you think?

They must not have been a friend to begin with

Eggs

I cannot believe I am about to talk about this, but I Love Scrambled Eggs!!!! Oh my God, I only want them in the morning, as a matter of fact in a few minutes, Its a cute guy in the cafeteria that makes them perfect, light and fluffy. I don't think he's here today, so the other guy will have to make them, and they'll probably be kinda crumbly, but still good enough to eat. I probably seem like a f.a. but oh well. I know it's a food out there, you just have to have if not everyday, almost everyday. ???????

Let me hear it!!!

I'm Ready

Ok i'm ready. I am ready for my changes, yesterday while shopping I saw this cute little chain with a charm tag that read 'Embrace Change' and on the back it says ' life is a gift, embrace it' and of course it has a small gold butterfly on it also. I love this necklace I so bought it. Everytime I doubt my decisions or the road i'm on i'll look down at my neck and 'embrace my changes' I get so comfortable with routine, even though I am a spur of the moment person, when major changes affect me I feel like i'm drowning. When all I really have to do is stand up and i'll be fine.

I have a lot of changes to come this year, you guys will be very surprised and hopefully happy for me.

Smooches

Just me thinking again

So I've been having some incidents lately, where I should be more vocal about my feelings. But I can't. I mean a person can make me mad, sad, disappointed, or all thee above and I will not express it.


Example: Last night me being a nice person I agreed to pick a certain somebody up from work at 12:30 after Midnight. Yes I do have to work, and I've been sleep already and honestly I just don't want to get out of bed at midnight to go anywhere. BUT!!! I was being nice and it wasn't going to kill me. So..... I get up, trample through 12 inches of snow, which is to my knees, to get to my car and have to find it buried under the snow, i'm a little aggravated to go pick up this certain tool. I get there and this one tells me 'oh well go back home, my guy is coming to pick me up, i'll just come to your house' ( but he asked me and even told me specific directions)

OMG!!! OMG!!! OMG!!!
I should have let his ass have it. But I didn't I just got frustrated and hung up.

What is wrong with me? why didn't I let him have it? i'm not scared, timid, or intimidated by him, so what is my problem?

I feel like a pussy.

Ready

When we wish and pray for things are we really sure we're ready for it?
I think I got one of my prayers and wishes and now stupid me is questioning myself. I am so fickle. I think when I ask for situations and things, I don't like to actually put in the work, I just want things handed down to me already put together. But!!! I asked for it so i'll let it flow and i'll be fine.


Are you really ready for the things you pray and wish for?

Ask A Man

Ladies ask your man or any man around you, does it make a difference in this day in age 2010!!! if a woman is domesticated or not. Does it really make or break a situation if a woman cannot cook hot water cornbread or turkey or a cake from scratch?

In my opinion, I think as long as you can care for your man when he is sick and you can make him chicken noodle soup out of a can and tea you're all good. And rub a little vapor rub on him, you're domesticated enough. I know there are other women who can do more but.......... is this really a requirement? a must have? a must learn? a dealbreaker for a man?

Color Blind

Last night the movie 'Something New ' came on and me and **** was watching it, well I was watching it and he was cooking steak and potatoes. Anyway, I was really deep in the movie, I'm starting to see things through clearer eyes. I never played with the idea of dating outside of my race, I really never considered it, but the guy in this movie was so cute, attractive and attentive, It made me think twice.



Of course we're all a little nervous to adventure because family can be harsh and opinionated, when it comes to interracial dating especially the older generation. But atleast I can imagine it, even if I never try it. Anyway me and my guy friend got on the subject of dating outside of your race, he has dated a puerto rican girl and a native american girl before. I didn't ask him details about it though. We conversated about the difference between black men and white men.



I said I think Caucasian men are move attentive, supportive and make things happen. When they find a woman they love and finally want to settle down, they make it happen and lock her down with the ring. On the other hand our African American men love us, support us and thats it. Our men can love us deeply to the end of time, but that does not mean he will seal deal and move to the next level and put a ring on it though. And thats unfortunate. I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ALL A.A. MEN OR ALL CAUCASIAN ME EITHER.



With an opinion like this I guess i'm safe to date outside my race :)

Has anyone ever dated outside of your race, want to date outside your race, or would never go there? If so how was it?

Smile :)

When I look at a man the first thing I notice is his teeth and his shoes. He has to have straight white teeth in order for me to even take him seriously. If I see one crooked tooth, i'm out. Sorry. If I have to go to the dentist to keep up my pearly whites why doesn't he?

His shoes..... Man I am a sucka for a guy dressed cute in athletic wear or maybe a sean john fit and he has on a nice pair of clean tennis shoes, preferably nikes, i'm attracted. Puma's are cute too. My eyes go straight from the teeth to the shoes, and If their both ok, i'll say "hello".

Because these two traits are so important to me, I make it a priority to keep my son's teeth and shoes clean. He might one day meet a girl with the same 'must haves' as me and I'm preparing him. Not that I wouldn't otherwise, but as you see i'm extra picky when it comes to this.

What are the main things a man has to have physically to get your attention?

Miles Away

Ladies could you see yourself in a serious long distance relationship?
I've heard people on television talk about their experience, but i've never met anyone personally to ask this question. I'm wondering is it as hard as it seems, like when you are having a good day and you just want to jump in his arms, what do you do? of course you can call him, but is it like cheating yourself out of physical love? or the nights when you are just really in the mood and a phone call won't work? I guess it would be alright if it was only for a short while, but I can't imagine doing that for years. What do you think?

I actually tried it and it didn't work for me, we were better off as friends until he can move closer. It's just not for everyone.

I changed my mind

Yes because I am a fickle meaning "erratic changeableness"

I have changed my mind about this so called love. I thought about this thing and I deserve for someone to prove, profess and shout to the high mountains when they love me!!!!
I will not settle for a little bit of love. I need BIG love, lotta love,lots of love, not some half stepping.
I changed my mind, i'm not really concerned if I think he loves me he loves me not. I shouldn't be concerned I should know.

I changed my mind. I deserve all of someone, every inch of him, every ounce of him, two fickle people are not hott together.

What happened to good old fashion love, when the man was knocking on your door professing he can't live without you, or calling your phone saying he needs you and can't sleep without you?

well until I get that and only that, I will always change my mind.
Now I will sleep well tonight. Good Night all

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!

Congrats to Justin and Megan, He proposed just minutes ago (of course I can't keep anything) I wish you two the best.

Smooches :)

Keep rolling or Upgrade?

so if you're in a relation/friend/ship and you're doing good and getting almost all you want and need, attention, love, hugs, attention, kisses, cuddling, respect and honesty but you want more like a title or a label, should you mention this and risk losing it all together? or if it aint broke don't mess with it?

Do Not Disturb

Have you ever had something so good, you cannot wait to get it again? Man have you ever just day dreamed about it all day long, longing for it. Wishing, hoping and praying you get home fast enough???

Lawd!!! i've been so deep in this lately, I cannot get enough of it. I mean I dread going to work, I dread opening my eyes to the sunshine in the morning, I hate to be interrupted, I get mad when i'm disturbed. Boy I can't wait to tonight to get it again.

ooh I didn't mention what it was.

I love SLEEP so much, I sleep like sleep going out of style. It is so good to me.
Do not disturb.

so what can you not get enough of????

If it weren't impossible i'd........

This is my writing paper, let me know what you think?

I Saw You
If it weren't impossible i'd time travel in to the future. To me time traveling is the coolest idea ever. I love the movies people have created like; Back to the future, the Butterfly Effect and my favorite is 'the time travelers wife'. My idea of time traveling would be a little different though. I would mostly look in the future and sometimes visit the past. I would travel to see if i've accomplished my current goals, finished projects and I would also travel in the future of my closest family and friends.

I would be the kind of time traveler that goes in a future mind trance. Physically looking at me it seems i'm day dreaming, but i'm really not there. When I come back to the current state I would give my peers ideas and suggestions without revealing my time traveling privelege.

Here's an example of the suggestions I'd give. I have a few close people to me that smoke cigarettes; if I see in the future that they have endured an illness resulting from smoking I would plead with them to discontinue the unhealthy habit, because of course i've seen their future.

Another suggestion I would make would be to a close friend or family member that is single and too picky in relationships and love. If I travel to the future and see this person old and lonely, I would encourage them to live a little and enjoy life more.

I would never share my privilege with anyone for the reason of people lining up at my door for their future details. It would be a secret gift given to me and I would use it for my own personal nosiness and to urge people to do what's right, right now, to love, today and to live life to the fullest, right now. I wouldn't call my self a psychic, I'd rather use the word prophet. Yeah, being a time traveling secret prophet sounds like what I would do if it weren't impossible.

The End

What do you do?

What do you do if you are in a relationship with the person you were sure was made for you, and as time goes on you realize you feel as empty and lonely as you did when you were single?

How do you fight for love?
When is it time to let go?

???????????

For one of my girls.

One Tequila........

Ugh!! I feel like crap, of course it was ma's official 50th yesterday and I had to have a shot with her of her fav. Jose. Ugh!!!!!

I still had to be a rockstar about it though, I made it to work. Headache and all.
Ever have those days where you know damn well you shouldn't be drinking on a tuesday night????

Nice Getaway????

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

http://www.escape2pandora.com/

What do you guys think about this????

U know me always down for a getaway



Tajuana

Sweet Voice of Jordyn Singing To Me

la la la la la la means 'I Love You'
I know thats what she's singing

New Day

Ok so I feel different today, I got a good nights rest and I talked to my boo before I closed my eyes. (i'm smiling now)

Anyway, "I want to apologize to the lady in the BIG ASS YELLOW SCHOOL BUS. I only meant to get my point across I don't really know if you're a 'Bitch' I just felt you were one at that moment. I meant what I said, you need to pay more attention, but maybe you aren't a bitch"

Writing this makes me feel better even if she never sees this.


See I can be nice people
Smooches :)

V day

What are the single women suppose to do on valentine's day?

For those of us who don't have a promising valentine's day with the opposite sex, with dining and movies and cuddling and laughing and giggling and just a guaranteed fun time, what do we do on the love day?

I so do not want to be somewhere and people are all coupled up, so going to a club or lounge is out of the question for me. I was reading a magazine this morning and that was one of the three suggestions for single ladies on V day; club, a girls getaway or a sleep over. The getaway sounds good, but for me leaving my little one on such a sweet day going out of town is not the option.

The one that stuck in my mind was the sleepover. How does this sound? In our circle there are a few of us that are officially single, that does not include the new prego one, the one with the man that cooks for her and wipes the snow off her car,or the one that's married; because i'm hating on them right now, this includes the "Real" single ladies, we should get a nice hotel room, with a pool, wine, vodka, comedy movies and 'brownies' (you know what kind of brownies i'm talking about) flannel pajamas and fluffy house shoes and have fun. I just want the day to be fun with a lot of laughing and memories, not so much like 'waiting to exhale' we're too young for that.

What do you think??????

Shit on me day

So my day started off good, I woke up on time, clocked in to work on time, I wasn't sleepy, pregnancy test came back negative, I felt good. I had an appointment this afternoon, so I had to leave work early, I am such a procrastinator, I still had to stop and get gas though. I pull up in the gas station, I swear I had to look twice at the gas price, because it was sooo many people there you would've thought gas was .99 a gallon, well it wasn't.

Anyway, I'm still in a good mood, sitting there waiting on this lady to pump her gas and get the hell out of the way, she's doing all types of stuff in her car, of course right? anyway it felt like 10-15 minutes I waited, finally she pulls out and what happens next??????????????

A BIG ASS YELLOW SCHOOL BUS PULLS IN FRONT OF MY PUMP!!!!!!
Oh hell naw!!! i'm pissed now, I started getting a little hot. Seriously I felt so invisible. I pulled up a little closer, rolled down my window and everything just to make sure I was really sitting there looking like an asshole now. Well I really was.

So another car pulls out next to the bus, this asshole is the one who directed the school bus lady in my spot.I mean mugged him. I backed up to the other pump next to her, got out of my car and knocked on her bus window like I was the police. I said 'you are so rude, you saw me sitting there waiting on that spot, you are so rude, Bitch!!! you know I had to throw that in there. Bitch. And I walked inside and paid. Now i'm on 40, because I haven't had an altercation in such a while, I feel kinda rusty.

I'm pumping my gas and this little 7 eleven lady gets out!!! ( you know what I mean) and starts to put me in my place. she apologizes and says she didn't see me, now mind you I finally got a car wash so my white car is shining baby, you can't miss it. Anyway she apologized a million times, and she also said I need to take back calling her a 'Bitch'. What?????? oh hell no I won't. There are no take backs in war lady. I told the bitch, 'look I am in a hurry and I don't have time to sit at the gas station watching people pump their gas, it was my turn and you need to pay more attention next time. She eventually left feeling like she told me off. Yeah right!!!

The guy next to us didn't know what was about to happen, he was looking all scared he wasn't sure if I would call some of my crew or she would call hers. (you know what I mean) Anyway, I cooled off, I was now running late for my appointment, so I get on the phone and do the responsible thing and call and say i'm running late. All the while i'm missing phone calls, at first I wasn't sure my line was ringing b/c they had me on hold and their line kept making a beeping sound like a call waiting sound. WELL IT WAS MY LITTLE SISTER!!!!! DUN DUN DUN DUN!!! I didn't want to click over once I realized It was my line,then i'd lose my spot on the phone with them. so I texted 'yes?' meaning yes whats up I can't talk so i'm texting. She text back 'nevermind you didn't answer none of the four times i called so forget it'. I tried calling her back. No answer. ( i'm now shaking my head)

ONCE AGAIN SHIT ON ME!!!!!!

I swear thats twice the next person that rubs me the wrong way, it's not going to be pretty I just might need bail money.I was in such a good mood all day long, and when I got off work, BOOM!!!!! It's shit on me day. But guess what, I will stay my ass in the house tonight away from others because obviously i'm not attracting goodness. Needless to say, I missed my appointment anyway and the people never came back to the phone after holding on for over 10 minutes.

I need a bottle of riesling and cuddling anyway.

Happy Birthday Ma!!!

This is my ma's birthday weekend and she will be the BIG 50!!!!!! (WHOA!)on tuesday, so if you're up to it, let's get her wasted tonight and this weekend too!!!! Her drink is TEQUILA!!!!!

Ugh!!!

Today just does not feel like my day. I can't explain why, I don't even know why. I just hope it doesn't continue this way. Don't you hate these days?

Oh yeah maybe its from the tequila I had last night????

Ladies! Ladies! Ladies!

Why are we so different than our counterparts. Men!!!!
I asked a few guys this question and I was a little taken back from the answers I received and who I received them from. Its so messed up that when we find someone we are willing to wait for, play around with, be with or whatever. Or maybe even potential husband material; we find out we're not on the same page. Ladies we have to screen these guys in the DOOR. We all know I asked my boy toy could he live without a woman? and his ass said "if it wasn't for sex,yes" I can't get mad at another persons opinion, I guess I appreciate his honesty, but I know where that leaves me.....last if at all. I'm cool with that, I know where I stand now.

But I asked 5 other guys could they.... Live with out a woman? here are the responses and ages of these guys:

1. 32 yrs old, "hell naw!!!"
2. 26 yrs old, "Not at all!!!, but we can live without bullshit"
3. 26 yrs old, "Can't live with them and can't enjoy life without them"
4. 27 yrs old, "No cause I love ***** too much"
5. 26 yrs old, "yes men can live wihtout women"

I reluctantly guess I could appreciate the one's who said no they can't live without us, but what happened to them saying "hell no, I cannot live without a woman, I love everything about a woman and so on. Why don't men spill their hearts out to us anymore? Have all the tramps ruined our men ,for the good girls to suffer?

In my opinion, I honestly do not think man can live without woman. He might be ok for a while, but eventually he'll need us, miss us, crave us, yearn us and faithfully FIND US.

Holla if you hear me :)

Check out my writing assign. about influential ppl

Influential People
by: Jackie

When most of us think about re-evaluating our lives or regrouping ourselves or just simply starting over new, it's because we've reached a milestone birthday or we've had an epiphany. For me it was losing a dear loved one.

Last year, I loss a very close friend and coparent to our child, to a car accident, and as hard and painful as it is to talk about it, I find it easier to write about. I must accept it and recognize that I am growing from this tragedy. I won't say he hindered me in life, but I never imagined I would grow from his death. I have opened up more, Therefore I am more vulnerable, which may not be such a good thing. If anything good was to come out of this life changing event I now have the courage to pursue my passion; writing.

Eimen's passing away has opened my eyes to see the world is not really an impossible task. I feel less fearful and i'm ok with taking risks. I am pursuing writing more seriously than before. I have several journals, some since grade school; but I never took writing more serious than my little notebook with the lock and key until he suddenly died last spring. We always hear people say life's short, live fearlessly, take risks etc. but some of us don't quite digest those statements until something breaks us down to the core of our souls like his death has done to me. That's when we understand all we've heard through the years and that's when we re-grow and rebuild our lives. Life is short that's why you have to love each other and do what you love.

Eimen has always been an influential person to me and with his passing it opens my eyes and heart to realize as hard as it may be, life does go on and it's worth making it a good one. I guess I could be a famous writer one day and win honorable awards, but the fact that I even took the steps to pursue it this far is more far fetched than I imagined anyway. In life and in death we should honor people, but it's in death that we honor them the most because it's the time life fast forwards our lives to finding out who we really are.

What do you guys think?

Move your body like a snake

I am getting bored with life again, I need some excitement! I have to wait a couple weeks to start my second writing class but other than that, I need something else. So......... I was watching music videos plies and akon hypnotized and the girls were dancing and whinding their bellies so I was thinking.......... Maybe a belly dancing class???? yeah I have little pouch belly and i'm fine with that, it's not that bad. I think the belly dancing class will be fun and different. Hopefully I don't change this idea by the end of the week. I need EXCITEMENT!!!!! any ideas?

MEN

I just woke up from a daily nap and I also just talked to a guy friend on the phone and we got on the subject of guys getting on their girl's nerves and of course girl's getting on theirs. And I said "yeah well yall can't live without us anyway" and this went on for a little bit, and I asked him, "could guys really live without us?" He said. "yes if they didn't need us for sex. ?????????????

Of course a male would answer like that, and I always want honestly and this dude straight up tells me like it 'ti' is straight with no chaser. Fine! but seriously am I a little half asleep or was that just kinda well, Bogish????

He asked me what do I think his answer should be. I'm thinking damn whatever happened to a man needing a woman and can't living without his other half and his companion and just the sight of a woman would work. Maybe I am still half asleep thinking like that?

I have to know what you guys think??????

This is a huge flag waving in my face rapidly like a mac truck, I know. I know. I see it.

Fish :)

So my big sis had a dream about fish. We all know what that means. That means in about a month someone will find out they're Prego!!!!!!!The last fish dream I had, my bff was the mommy fish.

Good luck ladies, it's soooooooo not me.

Eat It!!!

Have you ever decided ok, i'm going to go home and cook a nice dinner for my friends and or family, get a nice recipe out of the cook book, get all the ingredients together and get down to it. Start cooking and getting into it, sipping a little white wine also. So I did this recently, i choose a recipe that looked delicious in the magazine and I decided to make it because I knew I could. It was pork chops with mexicorn and cornbread stuffing all in one pot the chops on top and man it looked good and smelled good too. Not to mention my clothes were drenched and dirty when I got done. Look i'm not that domestic. ok? Anyway, after I slaved in the kitchen I present my meal to my company of two and........

these assholes were not that enthused to eat it. WTF!!!
I swear the food looked just like the magazine I showed them before I made it. I am so glad my feelings don't hurt easily, it was funny and I made them eat it anyway. haha

Don't tell me i'm the only one this happens too?

WTF!!!!!

So I need to vent a little bit, I went to the doctor yesterday for something really simple. And the got damn medical assistant informed me.

I GAINED 15 POUNDS!!!!!!!! WTF!!!!!!

I thought when people go through rough patches in life you lose weight, why the hell am I any different? I seriously cannot believe this *****. Now what am I suppose to do? Yall know how I feel about exercising, i'm not sure yoga is gonna get this weight off of me, but i'll try and see. The thing is I don't eat a lot, I am very picky and I eat my veggies and fruits. Oh man I don't know what to do!!!!!
Oh yeah and I flew to walgreens doing like 80 to get those acai berry pills, hopefully this will work. Anything but exercising.

This will not consume me though, because when you see me you will still see me in my same jeans, because I can still fit them, I refuse to let them go, just when I broke em in.

I wish you enough

For many years now my 'mother-in-law' has been signing off to me " I wish you enough" ( its self explanatory) which brings me to my point. Lately some of us have been having it rough. I just want to remind you all that, you have support of friends and family and if that fails or is just not enough, don't hesitate to seek professional help. As family and Friends we want to see our loved ones happy and healthy but we can't always give each other the extensive help you deserve. We all have curve balls in life, but you have to be strong and willing to help yourself and have the desire to wanna be helped.

just putting in my two cents

Smooches
I wish you all enough

Toxic Friendships

To whom it may concern:

Friends are the people you can go to get away from family, not in a bad way, but we choose friends because we can relate to them. We relate, support and eventually love them. But there can come a time when you can no longer relate to one another and thats when it's time to let it go. It does not matter how long you've known them or how much they've been there for you in your time of need. When you've out grown a pair of pants throw them out, stop trying to make them fit. They fit in High School but you are now a grown woman, it's time for a better fit. I hope this discreetly helped you.

New Beginning

So last night I had a dream about a baby boy. Oh he was so cute, he had long brown hair, and blue eyes and light skin. He was adorable. I'm not sure who's child it was but all the women were really into this baby; smiling and laughing and cooing.

So I looked it up; dreams about babies. It said it could be a sign of a new beginning. I am so happy, maybe this was God's way of saying to me. Look you've worried enough, hurt enough, and pretended enough, it's time for a new beginning. Well I sure hope it is. Maybe it's my wish coming true?

Embarrassing Kid

Kids are sooo freaking embarrassing. So this weekend my guy friend was over and saturday night we were on the couch just hanging out the three of us( including Amarian) and i had my legs folded on the couch and you could see my skin and I'm rather hairy. But let me back up two weeks, My son and my smart mouth niece were laughing and talking about me because I don't shave my legs in the winter. Why should I, I need to keep warm. Anyway since they thought that was so funny knowing me I had to give them more to laugh at, so I showed them my arm pits and I swear usually I shave bald but I just haven't had time, Its like a peach fuzz. so they were going crazy laughing at me. And this is of course coming from two kids that aren't old enough to have any hair anywhere other than their heads now. so fast forward to saturday. My friend was laughing at my legs because of the hair and my son decides to tell him about the day I showed them my arm pits, even though I tried twice to stop him by changing the subject, he was so persistent on telling this story of him seeing my hairy arm pits with a white thing hanging from it. Which is a total lie. He's trying to say I had clumped up deordorant under there. Which is SICK!!!! if anyone knows my child, he is a joker and will make things up quickly. I was a little embarrassed. This friend of mine, i mean we're kinda seeing each other and now he probably thinks i'm some sick hairy girl with deordorant stuck under my pits! I could not believe this kid. I know my friend will never let this one go. Ever
Kids say the darnest things at the wrong time.

What about yours?

Ok ok try this!!!!!

For all you who are in a relationship or those of you who have access to a man on a regular basis. I just red this article and it said having sex very often helps ward off diseases (Cancer), makes us slimmer, happier and live longer. Wow! ok ok so here's the test so I can live through you gals. Can you see yourself having sex every day for 30 days straight and if you do let us know if you feel any diffent on the last day. ?????

Damn I have a headache now

What do you do, how do you? who do you, where do you start?

We all may have many friends, some whom we confide our deepest secrets with, some whom we kick it with, some whom we talk on the phone most of the time, and some whom we spend most of our time. We have friends for different seasons and reasons. I have many girls and (sisters) with whom I share things with also. But I had a person. Everyone has a person. I had a person I could call and tell shit to, and vent with and get support, not that I don't have that now, but i had a person who made me cry and also stopped me from crying. I had a person. Damn I have such a headache, because while i was sleep I had this epiphany, I no longer have a person. And i'm not taking love away from any of my friends either. I had a person who was sure to answer my calls, sure to help me when I would fall, a person who I could call at 4:30am because i just had at the worst nightmare, a person sure to hug me even though we might've screamed and yelled at one another all night long. I lost my person. I'm not sure how many we get a lifetime, but I sure as hell hope I can be blessed with another one. ok i'm going to take tylenol.

Do you have a person?

Just when i say something good

Of course just as I speak so highly of this little individual. He acts up, he has truly been a test to me all damn day. I don't really do spankings, but man o man......

My Greatest Gift

I have always thought of him as my greatest gift ever. I have almost always been glad I have him (after the blues). There is really a higher power up there who places people together and places each of us in the right family. My greatest gift is Amarian Jakobi. I always thanked Eimen for him and on his homegoing program, I thanked him again for the best thing that has ever happened to me. When you bring a child home from the hospital even if you do have your family there to help, as a new mother you can still be lost and overwhelmed. I will admit I was overwhelmed but I wasn't lost. He made motherhood so doable. I'm scared to have another child because i'm scared my next child could be the total opposite. When we raise kids we mold them how we want them and how we see fit. He is seven years old and yes he has chores, empties the trash, takes out the trash, brushes the snow off my car. I also teach him to respect people and people's feelings and to also have compassion for folks. He might not ALWAYS obey, but he tries really hard. I'm not sure if anyone else is luckier than me to have such a great gift, I sure hope you're lucky enough to have something close:)

He's looking over my should smiling.

Make a wish

Its not that often in real life we get that chance to make a wish and it actually come true. There are soo many movies that provide that opportunity to children and funny comedians and people who are destined to change their lives on film. Than why can't we make a wish in real life and expect it to come true? Why can't we make wishes and help one another make them reality? I wonder will it work. I'm not trying to take anything away from powerful prayer and the higher power we all believe in. I'm just speaking of good ol closing your eyes and making a wish.

Now, close your eyes and make a wish!!

Share it!

I am soo lazy

I have been saying over and over I am going to workout more, walk on a daily basis and eat better. Even before it was 10 degrees outside, I haven't walked a mile yet. I tried working out with a friend and that didn't go to well, I worked out twice with her and I got sick the third day and I haven't been well since, its been over a month now.(haha) I'm going to admit it. "I hate exercising" I can't commit to it. I don't know how i'm going to keep this hourglass figure well into my thirties without a faster metabolism and a little toning, but I can't work out. There has got to be another way. It's like torture to me. My body starts hurting, my face gets all red, I get tired and just plain ol annoyed with it.

I do think I eat OK. I'm not the healthiest eater but i'm not the worse either. I eat my veggies and my fruits and a little figi water here and there, but I absolutely can not live without my Pepsi. It's my drug of choice.

So this bright idea popped in my head today after I woke up from my daily nap. Yoga. I went on demand and watched an 18 min. session of yoga and I think I can do that. It doesn't look too strenuous and I should feel better afterwards.

Ok i'm not that lazy I did do the yoga and I Loved it!!! this could be my new thing, if I stick with it. Of course its yoga for beginners and it was a little bit of weirdness like turning upside down with my legs stretched back, I probably could use that elsewhere. But getting back on subject, I think i found an workout for the body thats not to manly.
I'm a girly girl, I can't be getting all sweaty :)

Happy Birthday Sheena B

I might be late, but you're still important to me. Happy Birthday Sheenie weenie

Man's Best Friend

So let's distinguish the difference between a man and just a boy. A man is one who provides for his family, supports his family, is compassionate, caring and attentive to others. A man is a male who takes care of business and leads the pack. A boy is everything a Man is not.

Anyway, knowing what a Man really is, who really is his best friend? like the old saying, is it his dog? It can't be because he can only talk to the dog and the dog can't necessarily respond, he can't have a few beers with the dog, he can't cuddle with the dog, he can't yell and scream at the football game with the dog and the dog really understands why he's spasing out, and if he's normal he can't make love to the dog and hug and kiss like he would a woman.

So why is woman not a man's best friend? Ok so you say he has his boys, the one's he's known since grade school, the one's he's told all his secrets to, and he also has his guys to go out with, work with and relate to, but don't they eventually get sick of the guys? I'm sure they get sick of women to but a woman is someone you want to grow with, create with, build with. I want to believe my man's best friend is me. Guys see things totally different though. I'm going to ask any guy I come in contact with tomorrow and the rest of the week, because I want to know who truly is a man's best friend, from a man and why?

Like who like you

Huh??? This is what some older people believe, like who like you and you'll eventually like them. Is that natural? Or is it more like a contract and a stability issue? I think I could actually do that, If there was a honest guy I clicked with and he had a good job and we got along good. I can see myself marrying him for stability and that oh so important man, woman and children in one house foundation. Of course we'd have to be friends first, I would never bring a total stranger near my child or my family. We'd be friends both with the same morals and values and I don't think there is anything wrong with that??????

Now you want me

Have you ever noticed when you're single and lonely and just about to lose your mind, thats the time you can't find a man and a man can't find you? Some of us sit up late at night reading how to books, the bible, relationship books, astrololgy books etc. (Not necessarily me) Dining alone or with the girls, or just simply ordering take out, losing weight, gaining weight. Just lonely and feeling a little bit less loved.

BUT......... when you stop thinking about it and just live life without a better half someone finally finds you, you find each other? How about when you finally get in a nice comfortable healthy relationship and your crush finally notices you. Life is truly crazy!!

That brings me to this point. Why do we want what we can't have? its funny to me when i wear my ring guys approach me more and they actually see the ring. They want what they know they can't have, what is it, do they want to see if they're worth me jeopardizing my good relationship for a hot fling with a sexxy stranger? I also wonder are the guys and women who approach married people better off in life? they must have it all together to approach a 'married' woman and think i'd go for anything less than a stable man. I was just wondering

Same Dream

So in my dream he hugged me and turned and walked away. He walked away after he smelled so good,looked even better and held me so strong. He turned and left me, I watched him walk away, I reached out to touch or grab him, I couldn't. He wouldn't let me. He's not completely out of sight yet. My eyes are fixed on him. This feeling is all too familiar maybe I should turn and walk away also?

Is it really that complicated???

Really??? I think people make things more complicated than they have to be. Whats gonna be is gonna be just that. Whats not gonna be is not going to be either. I had the weirdest dream today.... I dreamt I had the most amazing date ever, I was smiling and laughing and really enjoying myself. It was the new year and everything started off just right and ended just right also. I got the kiss at the end of the night and I got home before the crack of dawn (thats my old fashion side) I couldn't name one flaw in this dream, it was too perfect. It felt too perfect to be real actually. I'm sure if this was to happen in real life the perfectness wouldn't be as amazing. I still have goosebumps from the good night kiss. The butterflies in my chest and stomach. Oops!!!! it was just a dream.

Good Night :)

Eyes like that

So i'm listening to the new Mary j. Blige Cd, sipping a bud light, and I just came from seeing the movie 'it's complicated' which was very good. And it has me thinkng about some things. Here is what is on my mind.

What is that feeling when a man looks at you with those eyes? Not the sexy, sensual, 'i want sex eyes'. You know those eyes. Not because or if he has colored eyes. Those eyes. You know when your man, the one who says he loves you and adores you, is standing on the other side of the room admiring you, looking at you, peeping you, smiling because he's looking at you. What is that feeling you get when you notice it? I can't put my finger on the feeling it's called when you discover it. The feeling you get when you look back at him and the little girl comes out of you and all you can do is smile, its like a movie. Your head turns to the side a little bit and nobody else is in the room but the two of you. what is that feeling called?